Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Rants are not my thing...

     Complaining, ranting, b*tching, and moaning just aren't my thing.  I truly do try my best to stay positive while also motivating others to do the same.  However, I feel I need to take this opportunity and get this off of my chest.  I've had a few months to get used to this ever growing belly and body changes and yet still, every day, something new occurs.  I think as a first time pregnant woman, that is enough on it's own, yet people feel it is necessary to point things out, things you probably took notice to yourself already.  I have one word for these people...IDIOT.
  Here are my examples of the comments I have received through out these past 23 weeks of pregnancy and my thoughts on these intrusive comments:

1.  "Your baby bump is so small, good luck with everything" -  I AM SMALL.  Do you know how ridiculous I would look if my bump was HUGE compared to my body?  I'm small framed, have been my whole life.  My belly isn't going to look like that of someone who normally weighs 50lbs more than I do.  And don't wish me good luck, that's rude.  Luck?  Luck doesn't exist to me.  Want to be nice in wishing me well?  Pray for me.
     And this goes both ways, you shouldn't say "Your bump is so big" do know that pregnant woman feel huge no matter what, right??

2.  "I can tell you are pregnant, your face is so much fuller" - So, basically what you just said to me is, "your face is fat."  Thanks for going out of your way to point that out.  When would it be okay to say this to anyone at any point in their life?  I'm guessing why say that to someone when they are pregnant?

3.  "What's up with your weight?" - Yes...I was asked this by a nurse!  One, I'm sorry, did you just graduate the 4th grade?  Is that how you talk to patients?  How unprofessional.  Two, what do you mean, whats up with it?  I didn't even know what she was asking.  Apparently I was supposed to have gained between 10-15lbs by that time and I had only gained 7lbs.  People need to back off on the weight thing.  If my baby is measuring where he should be, than my weight shouldn't be of concern unless I lost weight.  Everyone is different, every pregnancy in different.  And FYI, my baby is measuring a few days bigger than average, so I'd say he's thriving, thank you very much :)

4.  "Your boobs got huge." -  Uh...thanks for noticing??  Apparently they must have been microscopic before.

   Seriously, what is wrong with people??  I was raised so differently I guess.  And by different, I mean to have respect for other people's feelings.  There are two things that you should say to pregnant woman no matter what you think of her appearance:

1.  You look ________ (fill in with any positive adjective, example being great, amazing, wonderful, fantastic)
2.  You are glowing!

     That's it people.  Those are the only two acceptable forms of compliments for anyone that is pregnant.  I know my face is fuller, I know my boobs got big.  I know the skin on my face is dry, I know hips, butt, thighs, and arms got bigger.  I stare at myself in the mirror butt-naked daily...not to superficially criticize the extra amount of weight I'm carrying around and what it's doing to me physically.  No.  I stare in complete AWE...examining every little detail that is allowing my miracle to grow and thrive inside me.

     As for the dumb people who actually said those things to me...I think it's highly necessary that you think about what you say before it leaves your mouth.  And what it would feel like to have that very same thing said to you.  Maybe you think saying that my bump is so small is a compliment, but its not.  Leave size out it. Please, for the love of God.

AHHHHH!  I feel much  better.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Baby Movements and Placenta Anterior

     What is “placenta anterior?”  It means that the placenta is located in front of the uterus.  Usually placentas are positioned on the side or behind the uterus.   This is in no way harmful for the baby, the baby could care less where the placenta is, as long as it’s functioning properly, there is no concern at this point to be told I have placenta anterior.  What it does mean is that I will have “muted” or minimal movement while other pregnant women will be able to see and feel their baby from the outside. 
     I started to feel our baby move very early on in this pregnancy.  After everything I've been through, I’m so in tune with my body so I’m not surprised I felt him early.   Earlier this year, I was able to tell the doctor I felt a cyst on my right ovary before they did the ultrasound…low and behold, I was right!  T
hat’s just proof that I knew I felt my baby earlier than what people think you can feel it.  I felt very tiny bubbles at 9 and 10 weeks.  That’s very very early!  But, because of the placenta anterior, it could be a long time until I or my husband can feel him kick/move from the outside.
     Currently, I’m 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant…the only way I can describe the movement I feel now is gentle jabs.  They are quick but subtle and completely random.  I do feel him a lot more after I drink some cold apple juice and then lay down on the couch.  I have yet to feel him while I’m up walking around.  There were only two incidences when he moved very hard, and perhaps if my hand was on my stomach at the time, I may have felt him from the outside.  It was in the same day…the first time was around noon and it felt like the baby did a flip inside me.  And I went to an ultrasound that day, come to find out, baby was head down…he did flip!  And then later that night, I was on the couch watching tv and crocheting and I felt it again, a little less forceful, but still a big movement none the less.  And I told Cris, “I think he just flipped again!” and a few days later at my next ultrasound, maybe was head up again!  I wish he would do that more often because those movements were big, heavy, distinct movements.  What he’s doing right now feels like he’s just twitching his limbs every so often.
     I can’t wait until his movement s become regular and more distinct.  I think any mom with placenta anterior feels a small pang of jealousy when it seems like everyone else can feel and see their baby moving around this time.  It’s not even me that I’m wishing this for, it’s for my husband.  I get to feel our son every so often, but I can’t wait for Cris to feel him too.  I know that moment will be one to remember!

Below is a picture of my son in mid-kick...look at those long skinny legs!  Haha, he's so cute already I can't even take it!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

It's a BOY!!!

     Words can not describe how excited we are!  To be able to envision my future now, holding a little boy, I'm just so excited and over joyed.  We prayed for a boy and God has given us this miracle, it's so incredible!  But I need to back track here just for a little because I was not supposed to find out the gender our baby for another month!

     Because I had another bleed at 14 weeks and 2 days I had asked to be referred to a specialist who could possibly be able to tell me why I was continuing to bleed.  So I was scheduled for an in depth ultrasound to check everything they could to determine where I was bleeding from.  I went in on a Thursday, which at that date I was 14 weeks and 5 days, but our little one was measuring ahead at 15 weeks and 1 day!  Which makes me feel good, means he is thriving and growing.  So anyway, here I am getting an ultrasound done by a technician and she says to me, "You know the gender, right?" and I said, "NO! WAIT! You can tell already?!"  And she said, "Sure can, would you like for me to tell you?"  And since my husband was not there I just did not feel right about finding out with out him.  So I told her that and she said she could put it in an envelope and we could open when we could be together.  So my heart was racing, I was so excited, I couldn't believe it, in just a few hours I would know if I was having a son or daughter.  The tech handed me my the envelope and I put it in my purse for safe keeping.

     After the tech left, the doctor came in and reassured me that my baby is doing great.  He's measuring perfectly on track, the womb looks nice and healthy, and the placenta looks great as well.  He was so thorough in having me understand that I need not to worry at this point.  He believes that part of the lower side of the placenta could be slightly detaching and then healing itself, but when it does detach it will bleed and when I bleed, blood will come out.  However, at the ultrasound he said, if you did not tell me you had a bleed, I would never know, everything looks super healthy, great blood flow, and attachment.  I truly couldn't be happier with how this appointment went, and I couldn't be happier with the doctor I met.  He was such a joy to meet and be under his care.

     Cris finally got home from work, and of course it seemed like it took him hours to get home as we both knew what was waiting for us when he would enter the door.  I sat down, turned the camera on and filmed one of the most memorable moments of our lives.  If you are interested in watching that video, please click this link:

    We are so blessed and so excited.  We couldn't be any happier.  We truly can't wait to hold this little miracle in our arms and be in awe of God's creation and gift to us.  Yay!!!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Unexplained Bleeding

August 8th, 2013 - 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant: MASSIVE bleed, bright red, gushing blood, enough to saturate 4 or 5 pads.  Pregnancy was confirmed still there, saw the heartbeat a week later.
September 24th, 2013 - 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant: Large bleed, bright red, gush, enough to saturate 1 full pad.  A very uneducated PA in the ER told us that I was probably going to miscarry.  The heartbeat never wavered and I had also just been seen for a sequential screening 36 hours prior and everything looked perfect.
October 6th-7th-8th -  14 weeks and 1 -3 days pregnant: Started with brown blood when I wiped, slow and light...slept through the night, woke up with red blood on a panty liner, continued to bleed a light flow for a few hours.  Was seen by the OB, it had stopped by then, everything looked normal, went back to work, had another large gush of blood around 1:30 PM.  Continued to "seep" blood for the rest of the day and a little bit the next morning, leaving a trace of blood when I wipe.  Starting to believe this one is just about over.

Not once has any of these bleeds been accompanied with pain or cramping.  Each time, the baby is looked at via ultrasound and everything seems to look perfectly normal, as well as the placenta.  The answers I've been given as to what is happening has ranged from, "you're probably going to miscarry to this is normal for some people".  Not once has this gotten any less scary or frustrating.  As you know, when you are pregnant, tampons are out of the question.  So, while I sit here at work, and feel that pop, then the rush of blood running out of me, even though I'm wearing a pad the size of Texas, I have to RUN to the bathroom to make sure that I catch it in time that it doesn't bleed all over my pants.  I have a change of clothes here at work, but  still...being seen running to the bathroom gets everyone talking (again).  Ugh, that's one thing I wish I could get past and not let get to me, but knowing people are talking about me and assuming they know what is going on makes me so mad!  I wish people just kept their mouths shut and minded their own business.  Gossip is evil...and annoying.

I am grateful that everything with the baby is looking like it's okay.  And I have the most amazing husband who has gone out of his way to make sure my life is as easy as possible while I endure these bleeds.  Whether that means getting dinner for me so I don't have to cook, or just taking the time out to remind me that God is in control.  I honestly do not know what I would do without him.  He's been my rock through this entire process, from the start of everything, from the IUI's,  to IVF (twice), to the FET's (twice), to now a pregnancy that is scary and unpredictable.   He's been strong, calming, encouraging, hopeful, and motivating. I'm blessed to be his wife...truly blessed.

The great part about being at the doctors is that I have gotten more ultrasounds than the average person.  If there is a silver lining to these bleeds, this is it.  I love seeing my baby moving and wiggling.  It's the cutest thing in the world.  And truly, it makes you fall in love with them all over again.  As if you couldn't be any more in love, then you see this, sweet lil buttoned nose miracle....

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

A Letter: From Pregnant Kyle to TTC Kyle


    Wow, who would have thought, here you are, in your second trimester of your first pregnancy.  Beyond amazing!!!  You know, being on cloud nine, realizing your dreams are a reality, can make one easily forget what it feels like to be "TTC."  What I believe I am most proud of is that I can tell you with confidence, you will never forget.  Sure it's easy to get wrapped up in the fantasy now of what it will be like to hold your baby for the first time, picking out names, and clothes.  But I promise you, you will never forget what it felt like to take the journey of trying to conceive a miracle.
    Without this path you took, you would have never built the relationship you have with God.  God loves you SO much that this path was His way to get your attention.  Do you know all those times your period came, and you cried alone, silently, in the bathroom stall at work, He saw you, and was working in your life at that very moment to harvest patience in you?  Did you know all those times you found out someone else got pregnant after trying for a few months, and you sobbed in your husbands arms, He was building that bond between you and Cris that no one can break?  Did you know that when your fertility treatments failed and you thought about giving up, God was teaching you perseverance, strength, and courage?  Now look at yourself, take a long hard look.  Who do you like better?  The person you were a few years ago?  Or the person you are now?  Haven't these painful struggles made you not only closer to the Lord, but also compassionate for others and a better person over all?  You are knowledgeable in all aspects of fertility, you are relatable to many other women facing the same struggle, and you are a testimony for nonbelievers.
     I see you now, cupping your belly, knowing there is a miracle growing inside, from God himself.  A gift from heaven.  You look at your unborn child as just that, a true miracle, with appreciation, gratefulness, and amazement.  You will be a wonderful mom, one who cherishes the moments others may not.  Like when your baby is screaming at 4:00am after getting 2 hours of sleep the night before, you will be grateful to hear your child's voice.  Or when a huge mess is made in your just cleaned living room, your patience will not be tested, you will rejoice that there is a child making memories in your home.
     This journey of trying to conceive was long, difficult, and painful.  The pain was almost too much to bare at times, and yes you did want to throw in the towel at times.  But you didn't.  And here you are...13 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  You should be proud of yourself and all you have accomplished.  You will continue to grow (physically as well as emotionally).  And you will never lose your sense of gratitude because of what you have gone through, nor your sense of compassion for those who continue on their journey of trials and tribulations.
    Don't just embrace your past, embrace and celebrate every single day of your pregnancy, even the scary days.  You have been given a miracle, that is worth rejoicing every second of every passing day.  Love yourself, take care of yourself and your growing baby.

Psalm 16:11
Thou wilt make known to me the path of life; In Thy presence is fullness of joy; In Thy right hand there are pleasures forever.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Will We Have A Boy or Girl?

Old Wives Tales About Baby Gender

* If your husband gains weight, you will be having a girl. If he doesn't gain weight, 
you'll be having a boy.

Answer: Boy

* Pregnancy has you looking better than ever if it’s a boy. You don't look quite as good 
as normal during pregnancy if it’s a girl.
Answer: Boy - besides my skin being dry through the first trimester, I'm starting 
to feel the prettiest I ever have!  I love being pregnant!

*Some myths propose that if you are craving sweets during your pregnancy, you are 
having a girl. If you are craving spicy and salty foods, then you are having a boy.
Answer: Boy - salty all the way!

*Some say if the woman’s belly is big and round it means that she is carrying a girl. 
Likewise, if her belly is smaller and sticking straight out than she is carrying a boy. 
Answer: Boy?  I'm BARELY showing at all.  My bump is teeny tiny.

* If you are having a boy, you would not have as much morning sickness as you would if 
you were having a girl.

Answer: Boy - out of the first trimester and I haven't been sick once.  
However, around 12 weeks I started to feel nauseated at night again...not loving 
that but, whatever, if baby is healthy I don't care!

*The same as you last pregnancy= same gender, different- different gender.
Answer: This is my first pregnancy so....

*Some people believe that if your baby has a fast heart rate, near 170 beats per minute, 
then that means you are having a girl, and that if your baby’s heart rate is closer to 150 
beats per minute then you are having a boy. 
Answer: Girl - baby has had a high heart rate from the beginning

* The Chinese use numbers to determine the sex of your baby. They take the mothers age 
at conception and the month of conception. 
Answer: Boy -  I was 31 and conceived in is a link to the chart I used

* Many believe that if you have an increased amount of acne during pregnancy then it 
means you are having a baby girl.
Answer: Boy - not really acne, just dry skin

*If your previous child's hairline at the neck comes to a point then it is a different 
gender, straight line is the same gender.
Answer: No previous child...

That makes for 7 points for BOY and only 1 point for GIRL
We'll find out November 18th, 2013

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Why does this keep happening??

First things first...I had my sequential screening done at 12 weeks and two days and it was AMAZING!  Cris was there so it was the first time he got to see our baby.  The memory of that moment of him seeing his baby move for the first time, will be cherished forever.  I WISH I would have recorded it but I think we were too excited to be thinking of anything else at the moment.  However, less than 36 hours later I had another bleed!  What the hell is going on?!  It's not like it's a slow, menstrual cycle like GUSHES out of me, bright red, scary freaking amounts of blood.  To be safe, Cris took me the ER and I was seen by the most incompetent ER Resident that has probably ever existed.  So, let me start by saying when I had this same occurrence at 5 weeks and 2 days the man who did my pelvic exam was gentle, opened me up with a speculum, took a look, was able to tell me my cervix was closed.  This woman I had this time, at 12 weeks and 3 days put the speculum in and instead of looking in there she wiped away the blood with a large q-tip looking thing.  She then told me the bleeding looks like stopped, which is great news.  Then she uses her two fingers, puts them inside and touches my cervix, then says she's sorry, but needs a better feel to make sure my cervix isn't open...uhhhh, what??  She proceeds to shove THREE fingers inside me and then (I'm not exaggerating when I say this) RAMS so hard, I feel her fingernail dig into my cervix.  I jumped back and literally yelped like a puppy.  I have never ever ever felt pain like that before in my life.  I had needles up there, catheters up there, even surgery!  And this pain doesn't compare to what that felt like.  So after she's done with her exam she tells me, "I'm sorry, I'd really like to have seen your cervix a little tighter, but it feels like it's open less than 1/2 a centimeter."  I wanted to scream, "YEAH BECAUSE YOU JUST EFFING OPENED IT WITH YOUR FINGER!"...but I knew it being open at all was not good news.  So she puts her head down and says, "I'm so sorry" and leaves the room.  Wait?  What?  What does that mean?? You're sorry?? Am I miscarrying?? Is that what you are saying?? Because that's what it feels like you are trying to tell us.  So I look at Cris and his eyes are welled up with tears and I of course start crying, but my sadness very shortly turns to anger as by baby was PERFECT just 36 hours prior, what the F*CK is going on?? I need answers, NOW!!!
Thank God for my best friend...her mother is very high up in the chain of hospital employees and she came down to comfort me after I text my best friend with, "The ER resident just basically told me I'm going to miscarry".  I was able to speak with her mom and also a midwife who truly instilled the hope back in us.  They said because the bleeding stopped, I had no cramping or pain, that these are good things.  So I was discharged from the hospital and put on to bed rest for three days and well, here I am...and everything so far is good.
I still have no answers, as to where the blood is coming from.  Why it keeps happening...will it happen again.  I'm pretty much predicting I won't get answers either.  Maybe I'm just one of those women who bleed through out their pregnancy.  Who knows?  All I can do is keep my faith and trust in our Lord who protects me, carries me through my worries, and loves me.
Currently I'm 13 weeks pregnant and have felt our little blessing moving, A LOT.  It's nothing less than completely amazing and I'm seriously so in love.  <3

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Our Announcement!

We finally made our announcement to our friends!  It was a long time coming.  We wanted to wait until after we had the sequential screening done where they take a detailed look at the baby and make sure everything looks healthy.  We are so excited to finally announce our blessing and we truly are the happiest we have ever been.  We can not wait for the next few months as we embark on this exciting journey of pregnancy!  Glory to God!!!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Scary Day!

     Thursday, September 19th, 2013 was a day not unlike the rest of the week days.  It started off as normal as can be.  I woke up, fed the dogs their breakfast, got in the shower, got dressed, headed to work, and arrived about 15 minutes early (per usual).  I drank my cup of hot decaf Lipton tea with honey and started to go through my emails.  My best friend, Jenna, text me, we were having a casual morning conversation, which we usually do to check in on each other.  Both of us are pregnant and we are constantly asking how each of us are feeling that day.  After drinking my tea, it's only normal, I had to pee!  So I went to the bathroom and there it was again...blood.  My stomach sank.  This blood was no where near what happened when I was 5 weeks pregnant.  This blood was brown (meaning old blood) and it hadn't even filled the panty liner, yet it was enough to scare me into calling the doctor.  I left a message with a sweet nurse who said she would call me back after speaking with the doctor.  In the mean time I'm texting Jenna to see if she would be concerned if she had the same type of spotting.  I didn't get a response right away, which is unlike her.  The next thing I know, she texts me a horrifying picture of her car on its roof with a message letting me know she's been in an accident and is on her way to the hospital.  Let's not forget, she's 29 weeks pregnant!!!  I felt my heart rise in my throat.  I felt so helpless.  My first thought was "Oh my GOD, COLE!!!"  Cole is her 2 1/2 year old son, my Godson.  Thank God he was not in the car, she had just dropped him off at daycare.  My second thought was "Oh my GOD, TESSA!" her unborn baby.  Hysterically I'm texting her, "are you okay??!!"...knowing she has to be if she was able to at least text me she was in the accident.  However, my mind just wanders sometimes and after seeing that picture, I thought the worst.  I called her mom and she was with Jenna, she reassured me that Cole was not in the car and that Jenna, although pretty banged up, is doing okay, the concern is for her baby.  After getting off the phone, I began to pray.
     It felt like hours had gone by until I heard the wonderful news that Tessa had a good strong heart beat and that both mama and baby are hanging in there and doing okay.  What a relief.  I knew then physically they were okay, but I could only imagine what toll this took on Jenna emotionally and mentally.  A day later and she's barely slept because when she closes her eyes she hears glass breaking and sees a car coming straight towards her.  Going through anything traumatic like that haunts you for a long time...but it will eventually fade and I hope sooner than later.  It's like reliving a nightmare every time you try to close your eyes.  I wish I could take that away from her, I know how awful that feeling is.
     Finally the doctor called me back!  By this time, I had stopped spotting, but they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound anyway to be safe.  Well it was a great ending to a pretty scary day!  I got to see my baby, he/she is measuring at exactly where they are supposed to be (at the time 11 weeks and 5 days) and had a strong heart beat at 138 beats per minute.  The coolest thing was I saw my baby move!!! It was INCREDIBLE!  He/she must have been sleeping, it looked like we startled the poor thing, they jumped with their arms and legs flailing in the was SO CUTE I can't even describe it.  I left that appointment on cloud nine...what an amazing gift.  Glory to God!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Spring Baby

I am so happy to be pregnant that it truly doesn't matter when this miracle is born.  However, now being pregnant in the time of the year that I am, I have been fantasizing about all the scenarios of the upcoming seasons.  The baby's due date is April 5th, 2014.  So let's just pretend that the baby actually comes on it's due date and we can go from there.  Here are reason's why I'm so excited to be having a spring baby!

1.  I won't be pregnant during the stuffy summer months!  I'm not good in the heat as is, add being pregnant to the mix and I'm likely to pass out.  Sweating is not my favorite activity!

2.  We won't have to bundle up like an Eskimo either!  This will make it easier when it comes to nursing the baby when I don't have to find my boobies under 5 layers of clothing.

3.  Just when I'm starting to feel human again after giving birth, the weather will be warming up.  I'll be able to take the baby out for walks in their stroller.  Then comes summer, and I'll be able to take the baby to cook outs, showing off the blessing God has given me.  Then comes fall and the baby will be about 7 months old, old enough to be forced into a ridiculously cute Halloween costume that they might end up hating me for later in life.  Then there is Christmas and winter, the baby will be 9-10 months old and we can experience snow for the first time as I dress them in a bear suit with those cute little ears!!!

4.  The baby is going to be born right when the icky flu season is coming to an end.  And by the time it's flu season again, he/she will be old enough to be vaccinated against it.

5.  The baby will eventually start school and when they do, they'll have a birthday during the school months!  I always envied kids who had this, they got to bring in treats for their friends and celebrate.  Their friends would decorate their lockers and make a big deal.  I think that's sweet.

If you could choose when your baby would be born, when would you choose?  I have thought about this and honestly, I'm pretty happy with when the baby is going to come!  I maybe would push it back a few weeks so he/she would be born towards the end of April or beginning of May.  Just because it would probably be a little bit warmer than if they baby was born closer to March.  Either way, I'm thrilled...I could careless which month the baby was born in.  There are pro's and con's to each and every month!  God has blessed me beyond belief and I have never been happier or more excited.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

E.R. Visit

Hands down, this was the scariest thing to happen to me. According to my FET due date calculator I should be around 5 weeks and 4 days. I went to work, nothing out of the norm. I had a nice morning, enjoyed my morning decaf Lipton tea, checked my emails, and began my usual duties. A few hours passed and I was just sitting in my cubicle when I felt a small popping sensation. It kind of felt like my period had my head I think I may have said, "what was that?"...and I looked down and my pants and chair were saturated in blood. I jumped up and got my coworker and said "come with me I'm gushing blood" and began to ran to the nearest bathroom. By the time I sat on the toilet my pants all the way to my thighs were soaked in blood. I was TERRIFIED and thinking the worst. My whole body was trembling. My coworker got me a few pads and said she would be out front to rush me to the ER. Once I was there, I was given a room where they started an IV in me to take blood. I couldn't wait for Cris to get there, I was so scared. Once Cris came, they took us back to get an ultrasound. The tech said she wasn't allowed to tell us anything. My head was spinning. They wheeled me back to the room and we waited for what felt like forever.  The doctor came in and told us that the u/s is still showing a pregnancy, as well as my HCG beta level was a hair over 25,000, which is a great number.  There was one more thing to be done before they could release me. They had to do a pelvic exam to make sure my cervix was closed. If it was open, that is a sign that my body would be trying to expel the baby. Thank God it was closed. They sent me home and now I have to wait until Friday for an ultrasound. This wait is killing me, but I feel good knowing I haven't bled since. Just trying to stay hopeful that our little "Ducky" is still growing <3


I can't believe I'm typing these words. But in fact, on July 28, 2013 I found out I was pregnant!!! I actually had a dream that I was peeing on an HPT and it came up positive. I woke up around 5:45am and went to the bathroom...I peed into a cup so I could save my first morning urine. I dipped the stick and placed my head and in my hands and began to pray. The second I started praying the skies opened up and it POURED! The rain was so loud. As it began to dissipate I turned my head towards the test to peek...and what I saw I will cherish forever...

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Walk by Faith...Not by Sight.

     It's been a week since we put our little embryo in!  Emotionally, I straddle the line of nervousness and excitement.  One second I think, "I'm afraid to be sad again"...the next second I think, "don't let your past define your future, just because nothing worked before doesn't mean this isn't going to either."  It's a constant battle I have going on in my head.  I keep telling myself, "I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant" hopes that my body believes my brain. I also tell myself that there is nothing to fear, because God is with me.   Sometimes I forget that and my emotions creep up on me.  Once I remind myself that I should fear nothing, I feel calm and more at ease while I wait this out.  Physically, I really don't feel any different.  I think that is what is freaking me out the most.  I guess in my head I always thought I would know when I was pregnant before I had proof.  You always hear about women and their DPO (days past ovulation) symptoms.  And, well, I don't have any of them.  I don't have sore boobs, I don't have implantation bleeding, I don't have break outs, I don't have twinges.  So I don't know how to take that.  Anyone I tell that to says, "just relax, I didn't feel pregnant for weeks!".  So I still have hope.  If there is anything physical I feel, it's that my uterus (or the area I believe my uterus to be in) at times feels full.  And I honestly think that is due to the estrodial injection I'm on twice weekly.
     I'm choosing to walk by faith and not by sight.  I do not need to physically see or feel anything to be pregnant.  All I truly need to do is keep my trust in the Lord that no matter how the end of this turns out, that God has a plan for me.  That's all I need to know.  I pray that His plan involves us conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to full term, blessing me with a family of my own.  But I trust that no matter what, His plan is better than anything I can even dream of.  I think we all, as humans, need to be reminded of that every single day.  Stop worrying about things that are out of our control.  What a waste of time and energy.  Instead, trust God. <3

Friday, July 19, 2013

FET complete...surreal.

     Completely surreal. I have no other way of explaining how the world feels in this moment. Just hours ago, I had a living, thriving embryo placed ever so carefully into my uterus. Technically, that makes me what the TTC community lovingly calls, "PUPO"..."pregnant until proven otherwise."  I'm so grateful to even feel just that, for now, I'm pregnant. That thought moved me to tears after the FET was complete. I sat in my little room on the gurney and just burst into tears. I'm grateful, and I love this little embryo more than I could explain in words.
     The procedure itself went very smoothly. My embryo is a grade two, which is "great"...grade one is excellent, grade two is great, grade three is good, grade four is fair.  You always want to hear that your embryo is the BEST grade, but this is what God has given us, and we are so blessed and so thankful. 
     How I felt the following hours after the transfer can be described as exhausted and fragile. I felt like I shouldn't sneeze or I will ruin everything! Haha, that's obviously not true, but I think everyone probably feels like that after a procedure like this. I was told by my doctor to rest as if I was sick with the flu for as long as I could until I had to go back to work.  That gave me a full 16 hours of bed rest. Normally they ask patients to try to do 24 hours of bed rest and then take it easy for the next following three days. Since my job consists of me sitting at a desk all day, I'm fine to be at work right now. The only rules are no lifting anything over 10lbs, no hot tubs, swimming, heat pads,  no intercourse, and no vigorous exercises. I can handle that for two weeks!  I felt exhausted mostly because where I live right now is experiencing a heat wave! The heat index was 105F...ugh! And I never used to get headaches from the heat, but I guess since I'm getting older, that's one of the things I have acquired. I have had a headache since last night, and it's still lingering.  I have read that it's safe to take tylonel, especially right now that the embryo isn't living off my blood supply right now, but I just don't feel like I should take any kind of OTC drug unless its completely necessary.  So I'm just gonna deal with the headache and hope this awful heat wave breaks sooner than later!
     Here are some pictures from yesterday. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

One or Two?

     My doctor called me and explained to me the LATEST theory of natural killer cells and what it means to put in two embryos versus one embryo.  The latest theory that has evolved is that if you put two embryos in, the killer cells (though have been treated with intralipids) would take to it as MORE of a foreign body than if it were just one embryo.  If you put two in, your body could create more cells to attack the embryos, is basically what scientists think might happen.  Now, this is just a theory.  He said he wanted Cris and I to think about it and let him know what our decision is by the end of today.  He also said to us that if our heart was set on putting two in tomorrow, that he has no problem with going forward and putting two in.  If there was hard evidence versus just a theory than this would be a different story.  
     It didn't take us long to decide what our choice is.  Cris and I are having only one embryo put in tomorrow.  Both of us obviously want the best possible outcome.  We also never pictured ourselves having twins.  From the beginning of this journey I only ever saw myself of a mother of a little boy.  We already have his name picked out, we have for a long time.  Anyway, I felt that this phone call has God's hands all over it.  I was given the chance to change my mind, and change it I did!  I feel less anxiety about the idea of twins and if my body could handle that.  I feel hopeful and excited about tomorrow.  If the FET does not work for us this time, the doctor said we can choose to put two in next time.  But that probably wont be until sometime in 2014.  Let's pray this time works and I don't have to think about another FET anytime soon <3

Monday, July 15, 2013

Last Appointment Before FET

     I was seen by my doctor on Saturday, the last time before my Frozen Embryo Transfer. Everything looks good! I still have the cyst on my right side, but it's not doing anything, so there is no concern for it at this time. My lining looks great and the doctor is pleased with how everything has come along. 
     I have voiced concern for the amount of weight I have gained since starting this cycle. I have put on 10lbs since starting my medications. Apparently dexamethasone is known to cause rapid weight gain.  I guess in my case, it's a good thing, as I have been told that a few pounds could help in getting pregnant.  I just figure and hope that it's God's way of preparing my body to carry a baby(ies). It's just so weird to not be able to button your pants! I never in my life had weight issues or watched what I ate, but since stepping on the scale, I got a tiny taste of what that is like. I still eat like I normally do, but now I'm actually attentive to the fact that I'm eating "chips" or "cookies". And I find myself choosing fruit or veggies over processed and prepackaged snacks. 
     Anyway...I'm just so excited that our FET is just a few days away now. I'm feeling very loved, very blessed, and very supported by my friends and family. If you are reading this, then I thank you, because that means you believe in me and support me. My husband and I are blessed to have you as a crucial part in our journey. 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Intralipids...what are they?

My doctor has prescribed me to have a treatment of intralipids done before my FET (again if I get pregnant I will continue this treatment up to 20 weeks of pregnancy).  Intralipids are delivered intravenously (through an IV), usually somewhere in your arm. It is said that intralipids help to suppress the activity of NK cells in the uterus, thus preventing rejection of the embryo(s).   My treatment took about 3 hours for it be absorbed into my body.  I'm assuming that the usual treatment is that you go to an infusions center and have the IV placed and then you stay there for the treatment, they take the IV out and you go home.  However, I was able to go to the infusions center, have my IV placed, and then go home.  I later had my little sister come over to take my IV out.  The process is quick and doesn't involve too much pain (of course you are being pricked with a needle).  In my case, my nurse went right through my vein the first time and she had to go in again somewhere else.  Other than that minor mishap, the process was easy peesy!  It was also great that I was able to be in the comfort of my own home while waiting for this ball-o-lipids to get in me!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Thank You

     It's just crazy how far I've come in my life in terms of figuring out who I am and how I want to live my life.  All thanks to God...honestly, I'm nothing without Him, my life would be nothing without Him.  I think back to the things I used to pray for, the times in my life that I would pray, and the people in my life I would pray for.  My spiritual growth continues to amaze me.  I once was this naive girl, floating through life, praying to be blessed with what I thought I deserved.  Embarrassed to admit, I'd pray as my last resort sometimes, begging God for something to happen or not to happen.  Have you been there too?   The comforting thing about this is knowing I'm human, I'm a sinner, I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes, but God loves me unconditionally.  I am his child. 
     I have learned so much, especially recently, through this journey of trying to conceive a baby.  Without having to face this struggle in life, I would not have come to know the Lord in the way in which I do now.  Our relationship we have built would not be this strong, my faith would not have grown.  I did not know the meaning of thankfulness until I realized how thankful I am for having being called to God in this way.  I have no words to even begin to describe how blessed I am.  My eyes have been opened, my heart has been softened.  I am aware of so much more now than I can even wrap my mind around,  yet still have so much to learn.  It's so beautiful that if I think about it long and hard enough, I am moved to tears of joy and awe of just how much God loves me. 
     My prayers were selfish and shallow.  My life was about only me.  Now, with the love of Jesus Christ in my heart, my world has been transformed.  I take a moment everyday to give thanks to God, but it doesn't seem like it's enough.  I praise God every time I can, in every situation, but it doesn't seem like that's enough either.  The love I feel from God is just too great to ever feel like I am deserving of it.  Simply put, God is LOVE.
     My prayers now are that of thanks and also I pray that everyone can feel His love.  I pray that everyone can feel the peace in their heart that comes from knowing the Holy Spirit.  I want people to feel the gratitude that I do, I want everyone to see how blessed they are, to know happiness in it's truest form.  I want everyone to see how beautiful life is and share God's love with each other, to treat each other with respect and care in everything they do.  I just want everyone to know Him and give their life to Him. 
     Pray with me: 
Lord I come before You, desiring to provide thanks.  Father, I have so much to be thankful for, things unseen and seen, that You have done in my life. Lord, mostly I am thankful for the relationship that I have with You. You initiated this relationship, by what Your Son endeavored to accomplish,
paying the price for my sin, redeeming and reconciling me. You know the times I have been ungrateful, held ill thoughts toward You and my fellow humans. You know the times I complain and grumble about life and its circumstances, about suffering, going through what seem endless trials and tribulations. Yet God You are and always will be there with me, even when it seems like I am forever in the wilderness, running further and further from You, You, my God are there guiding me back to Your loving arms.  I am thankful Lord for everything that You allow to cross my path. Thankful for the decisions that You allow me to make and the lessons that come from these decisions.
I’m thankful, Lord, that I do not have to live under condemnation anymore, that You have truly set me free, that I am a new creation that I need not live under the law anymore. Thankful Lord that You have given me joy unspeakable. Thankful Lord that You are longsuffering, allowing me to mature in You! Lord, words do not express my thankfulness. For Your mighty power is at work in me, transforming me, renewing my mind. To You Lord belong thanks eternal.
In Jesus’ name, amen.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Little Update...

I had my first appointment of my FET cycle on Friday.  The doctor saw a cyst on my right ovary but is not concerned by it.  After the results from my blood work came back, they were able to determine that the cyst is not producing estrogen.  That means that we're a go for the FET as scheduled!  Yay!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Quote of the Day

[The void] It's that place in our lives where what we've been hanging onto . . . clinging to for dear life . . . is stripped away. It's that place in us where we let go of what we know, what we think we know, and what we want and surrender to the unknown. It is the place of saying and meaning, 'I don't know.' It means standing there with our hands empty for a while, sometimes watching everything we wanted disappear; our self image, our definition of who we thought we should be, the clones we've created of ourselves, the people we thought we had to have, the things we thought were so important to collect and surround ourselves with, the job we were certain was ours, the place we thought we'd live in all our lives. . . Surrender control to the supreme wisdom and authority of God and to the Divine in your soul. Step into the void with courage. Learn to say, I don't know. That's not blind faith. It's pure faith that will allow God and your spirit to lead you wherever your soul wants and needs to go.

Melody Beattie, "Finding Your Way Home"

Monday, June 24, 2013

On to the next adventure!

     Well hello's been quite a bit hasn't it?  Well that's for good reason, there was NOTHING going on.  As you know, if you have followed this journey of mine, you'll remember that my second round of IVF was put on hiatus until my body healed from Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome.  I'm overjoyed to share with you that my body is back to normal, I have had a natural menstrual cycle, and I'm ready to start our Frozen Embryo Transfer cycle! 

     Things are different this time around.  This is my first FET cycle, so there are few new aspects to what occurs within a cycle compared to a fresh IVF cycle, and I will get into all that when they occur.  The good news is that it is a lot less to do, in terms of injections.  To compare, in the fresh IVF cycle you have to stimulate your body to make eggs.  Since my eggs were already taken out, fertilized, and frozen, we don't have to that this cycle.  So right now, instead of "stimulating" we are "supressing" my ovaries from making eggs.  Currently I've begun Lupron injections again.  If you are wondering what Lupron is, it's a medication that acts by supressing the pituitary gland (which is the gland responsible for triggering ovulation).

     I have my first doctors appointment for the FET cycle in a few days.  This is a routine visit where they do an internal ultrasound to check things out, make sure there are no cysts and your ovaries and uterus look normal.  They also will take blood to check my estrodial levels. 

     I'm praying that everything goes smoothly (and in my head that means no set backs or hiccups along the way).  Though, if there is one thing I have gotten good at during this journey, its waiting!  Thanks for thinking of me and your continued support! xxoo

Friday, June 7, 2013

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day
June 7, 2013
"All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today." - Pope Paul VI 


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Quote of the Day

June 6, 2013

“Happiness is not a feeling, it is a choice. To be happy, one must choose to be happy, not respond to a circumstance that now controls your happiness.”

― Joyce Meyer

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Faith and Unbelief

     Since I have been reborn, I find myself thirsting for the word of God. Unfortunetly, for me, it's like the bible has its own language.  So, I have been trying to find different ways to quench this thirst.  I found that bible study helps a lot, especially when everyone can give an example of what the scripture means and make it relatable to me.  I've also found that YouTube is an abundant resource for sermons by people like Joyce Meyer and Creflo Dollar who make the word of God so simple and easy to understand.
     My recent understanding has been about faith and unbelief. I'm going to try my best to write this out so it's not only easy to read but easy to put into practice in your own life, bare with me, it's new to me too.  Okay, so I believe in God...I always have. I was raised where I was taught that there is a being in the sky greater than any person that ever lived who sees everything and controls everything.  Some of that is still true in my eyes, however, since I have become an adult, a reborn adult, I now know God, and He is so much more than I could have ever imagined. Lets stick to the origin of this topic starter though, shall we?  So here it is, simply, I have always had faith. There is no denying that. I grew up with it, it grew with me, and now since being reborn, my faith is stronger than its ever been.  So what's the problem? The problem lies within one word, that word being "unbelief".  Unbelief is a new word to me.  I only learned of it a few weeks ago.  Here is what good old webster has to say about it:

Unbelief:  incredulity or skepticism especially in matters of religious faith

    I hate to say this, but lets be honest...we live in a world, an age of unbelief.  Need an example?  Fear, doubt, worry, care...that is all unbelief and it comes from many sources.  For me, a huge source of unbelief came from a little social network known as facebook.  I would sign on to facebook and there in my face without me asking to see it is another pregnancy announcement.  That person is most likely facing their own struggles in life and most likely did not post their pregnancy annoucement on facebook to hurt my feelings, yet I took it personally.  And it happened again, and again, and again.  First of all, it made me care about the fact that I'm not pregnant and never have been.  That in turn made me full of worry, worried that I'm going to continue to see pregnant women, ultrasound pictures, and babies everywhere I looked.  That in turn filled me with fear.  My fears sounded like this, "well what if God doesn't fufill his promise to me?  I'm scared I will never get pregnant."  Does any of this ring a bell with you?  Can you relate?

     What I learned is this, and pay attention to this now:  Unbelief cancels out your faith. 

     Read that again. 

     So here I sit with faith stronger than it's ever been but I have unbelief.  Well, then in short, nothing I pray for will manifest because I'm not going anywhere.  I'm stagnant if I carry this unbelief.  Scary.  Now I questioned myself, what can I do about this unbelief?  I certainly don't want it, but what can I do to get rid of it?  Honestly, I'm still working on getting rid of it all...but I'm taking steps to change, and that's progress.  For one, I said good bye to facebook.  My world survived before facebook came along, and it will survive after I've deactivated my account.  I've also unsubscribed to everyone on youtube who is trying to conceive.  Hear me out.  I have built friendships with these women who have also been faced with infertility issues.  So, if I have built true friendships, they will withstand the idea of me unsubscribing from them.  The reason I have done this is so when I go to youtube, my subscriptions that pop up are not constant reminders of trying to get pregnant.  When I go on to youtube now, my subscriptions are to people that either inspire me, encourage me, or make me laugh.   For me, and my journey of growth, I will not be constantly reminded of situations that feed my unbelief.  It's time to let go of fear, doubt, worry, and care and cast them to our Father.  He has given us everything we need, it's just a matter of trusting Him.


Sunday, May 5, 2013

Strong Little Embryos!

Out of the 28 eggs that were retrieved, we ended up with 8 strong embryos that are now frozen. When my OHSS subsides and I get a natural menstrual cycle we can do our frozen embryo transfer. Praying time flies!

Egg Retrieval Success

The doctor retrieved 28 eggs! We are so blessed! However, with that number of eggs came a horrible syndrome called Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. It had not been an easy road by any means, but God is molding me in to the person I'm supposed to be. I believe my experiences will help others get through similar situations. Trying to stay positive and get healthy!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Few days away from Egg Retrieval

Round Two...

I'm just 3-4 days away from egg retrieval. At the moment, I feel my's crazy! It's not everyday you can feel your ovaries making eggs. Last time they retrieved 12...we are hoping for the same amount if not more. We are praying that our miracle is just around the corner!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Quote of the Day

"Hardships make or break people" - Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Am I ready to do this all over again?

I am ready...though I already know this second IVF cycle is going to take every ounce of energy I have. Sometimes I doubt my strength (only for a second) because then I am reminded that there is nothing I would not do for my future baby. The ugly bruises from my injections and blood draws are worth it. The side effects from medications are worth it. Being propped up on a table with your legs spread for a doctor, team of nurses, and anesthesiologist to see, is worth it. Every part of this grueling journey is worth it, if the outcome is a healthy baby. Check out these battle wounds below...I'm damn proud of my strength. Bring it on, I AM READY!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Back to Back Freshies?

Yes, I'm still grieving our failed cycle. I think that feeling might always stay with me. And that's okay, I've grown from this in a way that would not have been possible if I wouldn't have experienced such devastation. However, I have to pick myself up from my bootstraps and keep moving forward. In the words of my favorite country artist, "You got to dig a little deeper when you think you can't dig no more," - Jason Aldean
We are paying a shit ton of money to an insurance company that partially covers IVF. After speaking to our doctor since our failed cycle, we came up with a new plan. The first thing I need to do is have blood work done to rule out the chance that I may have an immunology issue that could be attacking an embryo from implanting. It's very rare, but there is a chance I could be one if those people that have such a disorder. Can you believe that this blood work costs $600?! Its insane how much this crap costs! Once we get that bill I will submit it to the insurance company...but y'all know how that goes.
If you are not aware, I have one little frozen embryo just chillin' (literally) in a freezer somewhere. And since frozen embryo transfer is less expensive than fresh, what makes sense financially is to do another fresh cycle, and try to attain more embryos to freeze. That way, if this fresh cycle does not result in a baby, we will possibly have more "chances" in the future with our frozen embryos. Also, if we were to do the frozen embryo and it did not work, we would be left with nothing. If we did the frozen and it ended up being successful, we would obviously be thrilled, but if we ever wanted a chance at more children we would have to do the fresh cycle over again...when I'm older. And age matters when it comes to your chances at success. So this is what makes sense for's's a lot to take in, but I believe that God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. He believes I can handle this, so, so do I.
I start the birth control again today. At least this time I have an idea of what to expect! Here is to another chance at getting my miracle.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

What now?

I don't know really...I still have to talk to our doctor for our post failed IVF consultation. He was traveling this weekend so I haven't been able to talk to him since he told me the bad news.
The crying has yet to cease...I'm still very much in pain. I know that this too shall pass...but it will take awhile for my heart to heal.
What I do know is that God is always good. I don't understand why this has happened, but I know things in your life happen because they mold you into the person you are supposed to be. What scares me is that maybe that means I'm not meant to be a mother. At this very moment, I feel lost. I pray for guidance and strength...and peace. I pray that this hardship strengthens my marriage. I pray that this hurt in my heart fades away. I pray that all women who are TTC never has to feel this pain. I pray that all mothers never take their children for granted. I pray that one day I will have a biological child with the man I love. I pray...every second of every day, that God hears my prayers.


"I'm sorry to inform you..." Those words are all to common to me. Those words are the hardest to accept. Those words can go fuck themselves. I tried to breath in, but there was no air. I tried again, again there was no air. My only thought was to call Cris. He picked up on the first ring, I said, "they called." My voice broke. He knew instantly. Our hearts in one instant were broken. Broken into a million little pieces. I some how managed to reverse out of the parking lot at my job, and pop an anxiety pill. It at least stopped me from hyperventilating. The tears were hot on my face, every part of my body felt flushed. I just needed to make it home. I called my mom and screamed into the phone, "Mom!!! It didn't work!!!" She said my name over and over, and I just sobbed. I managed to tell her that I was on my way home and I would text her when I got there. I hung up. Tears still flowing like hot lava from my eyes, I asked out loud, "why God??" "Why???" "God, why???" I was desperate for an answer. How could this be over so abruptly...those weeks of medications...the constant blood draws, the surgery, the's over. It's over and I can't change the outcome.
When I finally got home, Cris was waiting there with open arms, and I said, "I don't fucking get it...everything was perfect." And then my only thought was to shower. Thinking it will wash the pain away. I stood under the running water, sobbing, cursing, begging, praying, thinking, breathing. Nothing made sense. Nothing. Still, two days later, nothing makes sense.

2 Week Wait from HELL.

Seriously, I would rather do the injections every day than ever have to go through the 2 week wait again. You question EVERYTHING. The "symptoms" can all be related to horrid progesterone suppositories I was on...every cramp, sore boobs, tiredness, acne breakout...but even though you know the drugs are causing the symptoms, in your heart, you pray it's actually because you are pregnant. I held it together since we made the decision to do IVF...but the day of my beta blood draw, I lost it. Like LOST it. I lost it. I woke up that morning and peed on a stick...NOT PREGNANT. Those words cut deep. But just as any other person who has tried to conceive, I clutched on to a thread of hope that maybe, MAYBE I could still be pregnant and my beta was just too low to show on a urine test. Looking back, I already knew, it's called instinct.

Embryo Transfer!

Today is the day our hopes and dreams are put into my uterus. Once we got to the clinic, Cris and I both gowned up. We were taken into the same O.R. where my egg retrieval was done. I got on to the bed, grabbed Cris's hand, and said a silent prayer...please PLEASE let these babies stick, please God, I beg you.
The embryologist came in and verified that we are who we say we are and that they were going to be transferring two embryos. My doctor came in and I immediately felt at ease. He has a calming presence about him, and I trust him with my life, so once he was there I relaxed. The procedure itself is oddly easy. They insert a catheter (painless) and then the embryologist comes in with our 2 embryos. On the ultrasound screen you actually see them go in to your uterus. They are two little white specs. I didn't know it was possible to love a clump of cells the way I did. I already felt smitten, knowing I had two living things inside of me. After the procedure you lay in bed for about 20 minutes and then you are free to leave. I rested that evening and the following day. Not total bed rest, but I just took it easy.
Now comes the hard part...the dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT. Seriously...this was the hardest two weeks of my life.

Now we wait...

After your eggs are sucked out of you, they are put into a peach tree dish and a procedure known as ICSI takes place. They take one single sperm and insert it into the egg, and then we wait. We got a call the following day to tell us that out of the 12 eggs, 8 survived. Out of the surviving 8, 6 fertilized. Out of those six, four made it to embryo stage. The doctor and embryologist kept an eye on those four and would let us know when it would be time to come back in for the embryo transfer. The transfer ended up being 5 days after the retrieval. We were EXCITED. We couldn't believe our time has come.

A dozen eggs!

The egg retrieval surgery was fast approaching. I was REALLY nervous. I had plenty of surgeries in my life time, but I had forgotten what it was like to be put to sleep. If I'm being honest with you, what I feared most was how I would take the anesthesia...I truly was terrified I would get sick from it and vomit. If you don't know, I have a fear of stems from a really horrible experience I had when I was 5 years old. It really did scar me for life. Anyway, the surgery ended up being SO easy and I woke up to great news that they retrieved 12 eggs! I woke up starving, so they gave me pretzels, gingerale, and two extra strength tylonels. I laid in my little recovery room for another 15 minutes or so and then we headed home. The cramps started before I made it to the car. And the car ride home was brutal. Every bump, turn, and stop hurt. All I wanted was a heating pad and my bed. Once I got home, I went to sleep for a few hours and when I woke up, I felt fine. I was sore, especially when I peed or laughed...but besides that I felt fine. I went back to work the following day.

The drugs...not the good kind.

When I hear the words IVF, I immediately think injections. It's a lot of needles...a lot. I was on dexamethasone, baby aspirin, Lupron, follistim, menopur, and triggered with HCG. My first few injections of Lupron were fine, I was injecting myself, in which made me feel strong. But then one morning I freaked out and was never able to self inject again. What would have made it easier was if I had some fat on me. There is just nothing to me, and I've always been that way. So before you think that being too thin is a nice problem to have, think again. I struggle with weight issues just as a person who is overweight does. I am self conscious of the way I look but I've always been this way, it's all I know. Cris took over on the injections. He did amazing. Especially for someone that is terrified of needles.
Side effects? God blessed me, I had none. I was nervous knowing that these drugs were potent...thinking I'm very sensitive to things I put in my body, I took to them quite well. At this point, I prayed they were working the way they should.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Birth control?! You can not be serious!

Once you decide that IVF is your path, you may need to start birth control pills. When I was told this, I FREAKED. I cried...and cried...and questioned this whole process. How...and I mean HOW after trying to conceive for two years can you tell someone to start birth control?! Sounds so counter-productive. add fuel to this fire, I have Factor V since I have been diagnosed with that, I have been told that birth control is a huge no-no!
Well, once I calmed down and listened to why birth control is the first step, and then did my own research, I calmed down. It's all part of this unique process. I put my trust in God, and in my doctor, and just decided that the best thing to do is roll with this journey. Flexibility in emotion is something I need to work on, but if this was a test, I passed it. I started my first regimen of baby aspirin and birth control.

My journey...

On December 18, 2012...Cris and I made the biggest decision of our life. I will get into that in a minute. But first of all, you should know, we met with a new doctor. His name is Dr. Peters. From the moment we sat down with him, I knew that he would be our doctor that made our dreams come true. He was confident yet cautious, encouraging and supportive. I have never met another doctor like him. I was completely blown away by his bedside manner. I could go on forever about how amazing I think he is.
So, given our unique insurance situation, Cris and I decided that we would go forth with in-vitro fertilization. Trust me, never did I think it would come to this. But I'm actually thrilled that it has. I am so proud of Cris and myself and how far we have come. It's an incredible journey and I look forward to sharing that with you here.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

2013 is MY year!

There it volume blaring, the ball in Time Square dropped...and a with 3...2...1....HAPPY NEW YEAR, my new start was laid out in front of me. Two full years have passed since my husband and I embarked on this TTC journey. It's hard to believe its been that long. That is 24 long months of constant devastation. For people that do not understand what I feel, I try to explain it as imagining if someone you love died every month. It's that heartbreaking. However, 2013 will be different. I can feel it. This will be the year that my husband and my dream come true. I feel confident in my doctor that we are being lead down the right path. I have the support of my close friends and immediate family. I'm excited, I'm hopeful, I'm happy. My relationship with my husband has gone from rocky and rigid because of the fear of the unknown, to light and supportive because of our restored hope. We are laughing more and enjoying the lightness we feel that was absent from all of those previous dark months in our past. Times are changing...for the better.