Now we wait...

After your eggs are sucked out of you, they are put into a peach tree dish and a procedure known as ICSI takes place. They take one single sperm and insert it into the egg, and then we wait. We got a call the following day to tell us that out of the 12 eggs, 8 survived. Out of the surviving 8, 6 fertilized. Out of those six, four made it to embryo stage. The doctor and embryologist kept an eye on those four and would let us know when it would be time to come back in for the embryo transfer. The transfer ended up being 5 days after the retrieval. We were EXCITED. We couldn't believe our time has come.

A dozen eggs!

The egg retrieval surgery was fast approaching. I was REALLY nervous. I had plenty of surgeries in my life time, but I had forgotten what it was like to be put to sleep. If I'm being honest with you, what I feared most was how I would take the anesthesia...I truly was terrified I would get sick from it and vomit. If you don't know, I have a fear of vomit...it stems from a really horrible experience I had when I was 5 years old. It really did scar me for life. Anyway, the surgery ended up being SO easy and I woke up to great news that they retrieved 12 eggs! I woke up starving, so they gave me pretzels, gingerale, and two extra strength tylonels. I laid in my little recovery room for another 15 minutes or so and then we headed home. The cramps started before I made it to the car. And the car ride home was brutal. Every bump, turn, and stop hurt. All I wanted was a heating pad and my bed. Once I got home, I went to sleep for a few hours and when I woke up, I felt fine. I was sore, especially when I peed or laughed...but besides that I felt fine. I went back to work the following day.

The drugs...not the good kind.

When I hear the words IVF, I immediately think injections. It's a lot of needles...a lot. I was on dexamethasone, baby aspirin, Lupron, follistim, menopur, and triggered with HCG. My first few injections of Lupron were fine, I was injecting myself, in which made me feel strong. But then one morning I freaked out and was never able to self inject again. What would have made it easier was if I had some fat on me. There is just nothing to me, and I've always been that way. So before you think that being too thin is a nice problem to have, think again. I struggle with weight issues just as a person who is overweight does. I am self conscious of the way I look but I've always been this way, it's all I know. Cris took over on the injections. He did amazing. Especially for someone that is terrified of needles.
Side effects? God blessed me, I had none. I was nervous knowing that these drugs were potent...thinking I'm very sensitive to things I put in my body, I took to them quite well. At this point, I prayed they were working the way they should.

Birth control?! You can not be serious!

Once you decide that IVF is your path, you may need to start birth control pills. When I was told this, I FREAKED. I cried...and cried...and questioned this whole process. How...and I mean HOW after trying to conceive for two years can you tell someone to start birth control?! Sounds so counter-productive. Also...to add fuel to this fire, I have Factor V Lieden....so since I have been diagnosed with that, I have been told that birth control is a huge no-no!
Well, once I calmed down and listened to why birth control is the first step, and then did my own research, I calmed down. It's all part of this unique process. I put my trust in God, and in my doctor, and just decided that the best thing to do is roll with this journey. Flexibility in emotion is something I need to work on, but if this was a test, I passed it. I started my first regimen of baby aspirin and birth control.

My journey...

On December 18, 2012...Cris and I made the biggest decision of our life. I will get into that in a minute. But first of all, you should know, we met with a new doctor. His name is Dr. Peters. From the moment we sat down with him, I knew that he would be our doctor that made our dreams come true. He was confident yet cautious, encouraging and supportive. I have never met another doctor like him. I was completely blown away by his bedside manner. I could go on forever about how amazing I think he is.
So, given our unique insurance situation, Cris and I decided that we would go forth with in-vitro fertilization. Trust me, never did I think it would come to this. But I'm actually thrilled that it has. I am so proud of Cris and myself and how far we have come. It's an incredible journey and I look forward to sharing that with you here.

2013 is MY year!

There it was...tv volume blaring, the ball in Time Square dropped...and a with 3...2...1....HAPPY NEW YEAR, my new start was laid out in front of me. Two full years have passed since my husband and I embarked on this TTC journey. It's hard to believe its been that long. That is 24 long months of constant devastation. For people that do not understand what I feel, I try to explain it as imagining if someone you love died every month. It's that heartbreaking. However, 2013 will be different. I can feel it. This will be the year that my husband and my dream come true. I feel confident in my doctor that we are being lead down the right path. I have the support of my close friends and immediate family. I'm excited, I'm hopeful, I'm happy. My relationship with my husband has gone from rocky and rigid because of the fear of the unknown, to light and supportive because of our restored hope. We are laughing more and enjoying the lightness we feel that was absent from all of those previous dark months in our past. Times are changing...for the better.

7 days and counting...

With a week to go to find out if this was our lucky cycle, I find myself looking back in each cycle passed. Twenty-three cycles to be exact. That's a bit hard to believe. Has it really been TWO YEARS of us trying to have a baby?? Wow. This has been quite the ride of ups and downs. Mostly downs if I'm being honest. However, it's taught me so much about myself, my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with God. So, in reality I have come full circle with this, realizing that I'm becoming the person I was meant to be. I want to be a mother more than anything I've ever wanted before. I know that the child I bring into this world will not be perfect, and I won't be a perfect mother...but I also know that my child will learn the importance of having a relationship with God, learn to respect others, especially their elders, and that helping people in the best way they know how is the secret to true happiness. If by chance I am pregnant this cycle, it will be the best Christmas of my life. If by chance that I am not, I will keep the hope in my heart that 2013 is the year that my most desired dream comes true.