Rants are not my thing...

     Complaining, ranting, b*tching, and moaning just aren't my thing.  I truly do try my best to stay positive while also motivating others to do the same.  However, I feel I need to take this opportunity and get this off of my chest.  I've had a few months to get used to this ever growing belly and body changes and yet still, every day, something new occurs.  I think as a first time pregnant woman, that is enough on it's own, yet people feel it is necessary to point things out, things you probably took notice to yourself already.  I have one word for these people...IDIOT.
   
  Here are my examples of the comments I have received through out these past 23 weeks of pregnancy and my thoughts on these intrusive comments:

1.  "Your baby bump is so small, good luck with everything" -  I AM SMALL.  Do you know how ridiculous I would look if my bump was HUGE compared to my body?  I'm small framed, have been my whole life.  My belly isn't going to look like that of someone who normally weighs 50lbs more than I do.  And don't wish me good luck, that's rude.  Luck?  Luck doesn't exist to me.  Want to be nice in wishing me well?  Pray for me.
     And this goes both ways, you shouldn't say "Your bump is so big" either...you do know that pregnant woman feel huge no matter what, right??

2.  "I can tell you are pregnant, your face is so much fuller" - So, basically what you just said to me is, "your face is fat."  Thanks for going out of your way to point that out.  When would it be okay to say this to anyone at any point in their life?  I'm guessing never...so why say that to someone when they are pregnant?


3.  "What's up with your weight?" - Yes...I was asked this by a nurse!  One, I'm sorry, did you just graduate the 4th grade?  Is that how you talk to patients?  How unprofessional.  Two, what do you mean, whats up with it?  I didn't even know what she was asking.  Apparently I was supposed to have gained between 10-15lbs by that time and I had only gained 7lbs.  People need to back off on the weight thing.  If my baby is measuring where he should be, than my weight shouldn't be of concern unless I lost weight.  Everyone is different, every pregnancy in different.  And FYI, my baby is measuring a few days bigger than average, so I'd say he's thriving, thank you very much :)

4.  "Your boobs got huge." -  Uh...thanks for noticing??  Apparently they must have been microscopic before.

   Seriously, what is wrong with people??  I was raised so differently I guess.  And by different, I mean to have respect for other people's feelings.  There are two things that you should say to pregnant woman no matter what you think of her appearance:

1.  You look ________ (fill in with any positive adjective, example being great, amazing, wonderful, fantastic)
2.  You are glowing!

     That's it people.  Those are the only two acceptable forms of compliments for anyone that is pregnant.  I know my face is fuller, I know my boobs got big.  I know the skin on my face is dry, I know hips, butt, thighs, and arms got bigger.  I stare at myself in the mirror butt-naked daily...not to superficially criticize the extra amount of weight I'm carrying around and what it's doing to me physically.  No.  I stare in complete AWE...examining every little detail that is allowing my miracle to grow and thrive inside me.

     As for the dumb people who actually said those things to me...I think it's highly necessary that you think about what you say before it leaves your mouth.  And what it would feel like to have that very same thing said to you.  Maybe you think saying that my bump is so small is a compliment, but its not.  Leave size out it. Please, for the love of God.

AHHHHH!  I feel much  better.

Baby Movements and Placenta Anterior

     What is “placenta anterior?”  It means that the placenta is located in front of the uterus.  Usually placentas are positioned on the side or behind the uterus.   This is in no way harmful for the baby, the baby could care less where the placenta is, as long as it’s functioning properly, there is no concern at this point to be told I have placenta anterior.  What it does mean is that I will have “muted” or minimal movement while other pregnant women will be able to see and feel their baby from the outside. 

     I started to feel our baby move very early on in this pregnancy.  After everything I've been through, I’m so in tune with my body so I’m not surprised I felt him early.   Earlier this year, I was able to tell the doctor I felt a cyst on my right ovary before they did the ultrasound…low and behold, I was right!  T

hat’s just proof that I knew I felt my baby earlier than what people think you can feel it.  I felt very tiny bubbles at 9 and 10 weeks.  That’s very very early!  But, because of the placenta anterior, it could be a long time until I or my husband can feel him kick/move from the outside.

     Currently, I’m 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant…the only way I can describe the movement I feel now is gentle jabs.  They are quick but subtle and completely random.  I do feel him a lot more after I drink some cold apple juice and then lay down on the couch.  I have yet to feel him while I’m up walking around.  There were only two incidences when he moved very hard, and perhaps if my hand was on my stomach at the time, I may have felt him from the outside.  It was in the same day…the first time was around noon and it felt like the baby did a flip inside me.  And I went to an ultrasound that day, come to find out, baby was head down…he did flip!  And then later that night, I was on the couch watching tv and crocheting and I felt it again, a little less forceful, but still a big movement none the less.  And I told Cris, “I think he just flipped again!” and a few days later at my next ultrasound, maybe was head up again!  I wish he would do that more often because those movements were big, heavy, distinct movements.  What he’s doing right now feels like he’s just twitching his limbs every so often.

     I can’t wait until his movement s become regular and more distinct.  I think any mom with placenta anterior feels a small pang of jealousy when it seems like everyone else can feel and see their baby moving around this time.  It’s not even me that I’m wishing this for, it’s for my husband.  I get to feel our son every so often, but I can’t wait for Cris to feel him too.  I know that moment will be one to remember!

Below is a picture of my son in mid-kick...look at those long skinny legs!  Haha, he's so cute already I can't even take it!

It's a BOY!!!

     Words can not describe how excited we are!  To be able to envision my future now, holding a little boy, I'm just so excited and over joyed.  We prayed for a boy and God has given us this miracle, it's so incredible!  But I need to back track here just for a little because I was not supposed to find out the gender our baby for another month!

     Because I had another bleed at 14 weeks and 2 days I had asked to be referred to a specialist who could possibly be able to tell me why I was continuing to bleed.  So I was scheduled for an in depth ultrasound to check everything they could to determine where I was bleeding from.  I went in on a Thursday, which at that date I was 14 weeks and 5 days, but our little one was measuring ahead at 15 weeks and 1 day!  Which makes me feel good, means he is thriving and growing.  So anyway, here I am getting an ultrasound done by a technician and she says to me, "You know the gender, right?" and I said, "NO! WAIT! You can tell already?!"  And she said, "Sure can, would you like for me to tell you?"  And since my husband was not there I just did not feel right about finding out with out him.  So I told her that and she said she could put it in an envelope and we could open when we could be together.  So my heart was racing, I was so excited, I couldn't believe it, in just a few hours I would know if I was having a son or daughter.  The tech handed me my the envelope and I put it in my purse for safe keeping.

     After the tech left, the doctor came in and reassured me that my baby is doing great.  He's measuring perfectly on track, the womb looks nice and healthy, and the placenta looks great as well.  He was so thorough in having me understand that I need not to worry at this point.  He believes that part of the lower side of the placenta could be slightly detaching and then healing itself, but when it does detach it will bleed and when I bleed, blood will come out.  However, at the ultrasound he said, if you did not tell me you had a bleed, I would never know, everything looks super healthy, great blood flow, and attachment.  I truly couldn't be happier with how this appointment went, and I couldn't be happier with the doctor I met.  He was such a joy to meet and be under his care.

     Cris finally got home from work, and of course it seemed like it took him hours to get home as we both knew what was waiting for us when he would enter the door.  I sat down, turned the camera on and filmed one of the most memorable moments of our lives.  If you are interested in watching that video, please click this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp_FXEVS-Xg

    We are so blessed and so excited.  We couldn't be any happier.  We truly can't wait to hold this little miracle in our arms and be in awe of God's creation and gift to us.  Yay!!!

Unexplained Bleeding

August 8th, 2013 - 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant: MASSIVE bleed, bright red, gushing blood, enough to saturate 4 or 5 pads.  Pregnancy was confirmed still there, saw the heartbeat a week later.
September 24th, 2013 - 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant: Large bleed, bright red, gush, enough to saturate 1 full pad.  A very uneducated PA in the ER told us that I was probably going to miscarry.  The heartbeat never wavered and I had also just been seen for a sequential screening 36 hours prior and everything looked perfect.
October 6th-7th-8th -  14 weeks and 1 -3 days pregnant: Started with brown blood when I wiped, slow and light...slept through the night, woke up with red blood on a panty liner, continued to bleed a light flow for a few hours.  Was seen by the OB, it had stopped by then, everything looked normal, went back to work, had another large gush of blood around 1:30 PM.  Continued to "seep" blood for the rest of the day and a little bit the next morning, leaving a trace of blood when I wipe.  Starting to believe this one is just about over.

Not once has any of these bleeds been accompanied with pain or cramping.  Each time, the baby is looked at via ultrasound and everything seems to look perfectly normal, as well as the placenta.  The answers I've been given as to what is happening has ranged from, "you're probably going to miscarry to this is normal for some people".  Not once has this gotten any less scary or frustrating.  As you know, when you are pregnant, tampons are out of the question.  So, while I sit here at work, and feel that pop, then the rush of blood running out of me, even though I'm wearing a pad the size of Texas, I have to RUN to the bathroom to make sure that I catch it in time that it doesn't bleed all over my pants.  I have a change of clothes here at work, but  still...being seen running to the bathroom gets everyone talking (again).  Ugh, that's one thing I wish I could get past and not let get to me, but knowing people are talking about me and assuming they know what is going on makes me so mad!  I wish people just kept their mouths shut and minded their own business.  Gossip is evil...and annoying.

I am grateful that everything with the baby is looking like it's okay.  And I have the most amazing husband who has gone out of his way to make sure my life is as easy as possible while I endure these bleeds.  Whether that means getting dinner for me so I don't have to cook, or just taking the time out to remind me that God is in control.  I honestly do not know what I would do without him.  He's been my rock through this entire process, from the start of everything, from the IUI's,  to IVF (twice), to the FET's (twice), to now a pregnancy that is scary and unpredictable.   He's been strong, calming, encouraging, hopeful, and motivating. I'm blessed to be his wife...truly blessed.

The great part about being at the doctors is that I have gotten more ultrasounds than the average person.  If there is a silver lining to these bleeds, this is it.  I love seeing my baby moving and wiggling.  It's the cutest thing in the world.  And truly, it makes you fall in love with them all over again.  As if you couldn't be any more in love, then you see this, sweet lil buttoned nose miracle....

A Letter: From Pregnant Kyle to TTC Kyle

Kyle,

    Wow, who would have thought, here you are, in your second trimester of your first pregnancy.  Beyond amazing!!!  You know, being on cloud nine, realizing your dreams are a reality, can make one easily forget what it feels like to be "TTC."  What I believe I am most proud of is that I can tell you with confidence, you will never forget.  Sure it's easy to get wrapped up in the fantasy now of what it will be like to hold your baby for the first time, picking out names, and clothes.  But I promise you, you will never forget what it felt like to take the journey of trying to conceive a miracle.
    Without this path you took, you would have never built the relationship you have with God.  God loves you SO much that this path was His way to get your attention.  Do you know all those times your period came, and you cried alone, silently, in the bathroom stall at work, He saw you, and was working in your life at that very moment to harvest patience in you?  Did you know all those times you found out someone else got pregnant after trying for a few months, and you sobbed in your husbands arms, He was building that bond between you and Cris that no one can break?  Did you know that when your fertility treatments failed and you thought about giving up, God was teaching you perseverance, strength, and courage?  Now look at yourself, take a long hard look.  Who do you like better?  The person you were a few years ago?  Or the person you are now?  Haven't these painful struggles made you not only closer to the Lord, but also compassionate for others and a better person over all?  You are knowledgeable in all aspects of fertility, you are relatable to many other women facing the same struggle, and you are a testimony for nonbelievers.
     I see you now, cupping your belly, knowing there is a miracle growing inside, from God himself.  A gift from heaven.  You look at your unborn child as just that, a true miracle, with appreciation, gratefulness, and amazement.  You will be a wonderful mom, one who cherishes the moments others may not.  Like when your baby is screaming at 4:00am after getting 2 hours of sleep the night before, you will be grateful to hear your child's voice.  Or when a huge mess is made in your just cleaned living room, your patience will not be tested, you will rejoice that there is a child making memories in your home.
     This journey of trying to conceive was long, difficult, and painful.  The pain was almost too much to bare at times, and yes you did want to throw in the towel at times.  But you didn't.  And here you are...13 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  You should be proud of yourself and all you have accomplished.  You will continue to grow (physically as well as emotionally).  And you will never lose your sense of gratitude because of what you have gone through, nor your sense of compassion for those who continue on their journey of trials and tribulations.
    Don't just embrace your past, embrace and celebrate every single day of your pregnancy, even the scary days.  You have been given a miracle, that is worth rejoicing every second of every passing day.  Love yourself, take care of yourself and your growing baby.


Psalm 16:11
Thou wilt make known to me the path of life; In Thy presence is fullness of joy; In Thy right hand there are pleasures forever.

Will We Have A Boy or Girl?

Old Wives Tales About Baby Gender

I copy and pasted from http://thatgirlwithsparklyheels.blogspot.com

* If your husband gains weight, you will be having a girl. If he doesn't gain weight, 

you'll be having a boy.

Answer: Boy

* Pregnancy has you looking better than ever if it’s a boy. You don't look quite as good 

as normal during pregnancy if it’s a girl.

Answer: Boy - besides my skin being dry through the first trimester, I'm starting 
to feel the prettiest I ever have!  I love being pregnant!

*Some myths propose that if you are craving sweets during your pregnancy, you are 
having a girl. If you are craving spicy and salty foods, then you are having a boy.

Answer: Boy - salty all the way!

*Some say if the woman’s belly is big and round it means that she is carrying a girl. 

Likewise, if her belly is smaller and sticking straight out than she is carrying a boy. 

Answer: Boy?  I'm BARELY showing at all.  My bump is teeny tiny.

* If you are having a boy, you would not have as much morning sickness as you would if 
you were having a girl.

Answer: Boy - out of the first trimester and I haven't been sick once.  
However, around 12 weeks I started to feel nauseated at night again...not loving 
that but, whatever, if baby is healthy I don't care!

*The same as you last pregnancy= same gender, different- different gender.

Answer: This is my first pregnancy so....

*Some people believe that if your baby has a fast heart rate, near 170 beats per minute, 

then that means you are having a girl, and that if your baby’s heart rate is closer to 150 

beats per minute then you are having a boy. 

Answer: Girl - baby has had a high heart rate from the beginning

* The Chinese use numbers to determine the sex of your baby. They take the mothers age 

at conception and the month of conception. 

Answer: Boy -  I was 31 and conceived in July...here is a link to the chart I used http://chinesegenderchart.net/

* Many believe that if you have an increased amount of acne during pregnancy then it 

means you are having a baby girl.

Answer: Boy - not really acne, just dry skin

*If your previous child's hairline at the neck comes to a point then it is a different 
gender, straight line is the same gender.

Answer: No previous child...

That makes for 7 points for BOY and only 1 point for GIRL

We'll find out November 18th, 2013

Why does this keep happening??

First things first...I had my sequential screening done at 12 weeks and two days and it was AMAZING!  Cris was there so it was the first time he got to see our baby.  The memory of that moment of him seeing his baby move for the first time, will be cherished forever.  I WISH I would have recorded it but I think we were too excited to be thinking of anything else at the moment.  However, less than 36 hours later I had another bleed!  What the hell is going on?!  It's not like it's a slow, menstrual cycle like bleed...it GUSHES out of me, bright red, scary freaking amounts of blood.  To be safe, Cris took me the ER and I was seen by the most incompetent ER Resident that has probably ever existed.  So, let me start by saying when I had this same occurrence at 5 weeks and 2 days the man who did my pelvic exam was gentle, opened me up with a speculum, took a look, was able to tell me my cervix was closed.  This woman I had this time, at 12 weeks and 3 days put the speculum in and instead of looking in there she wiped away the blood with a large q-tip looking thing.  She then told me the bleeding looks like stopped, which is great news.  Then she uses her two fingers, puts them inside and touches my cervix, then says she's sorry, but needs a better feel to make sure my cervix isn't open...uhhhh, what??  She proceeds to shove THREE fingers inside me and then (I'm not exaggerating when I say this) RAMS so hard, I feel her fingernail dig into my cervix.  I jumped back and literally yelped like a puppy.  I have never ever ever felt pain like that before in my life.  I had needles up there, catheters up there, even surgery!  And this pain doesn't compare to what that felt like.  So after she's done with her exam she tells me, "I'm sorry, I'd really like to have seen your cervix a little tighter, but it feels like it's open less than 1/2 a centimeter."  I wanted to scream, "YEAH BECAUSE YOU JUST EFFING OPENED IT WITH YOUR FINGER!"...but I knew it being open at all was not good news.  So she puts her head down and says, "I'm so sorry" and leaves the room.  Wait?  What?  What does that mean?? You're sorry?? Am I miscarrying?? Is that what you are saying?? Because that's what it feels like you are trying to tell us.  So I look at Cris and his eyes are welled up with tears and I of course start crying, but my sadness very shortly turns to anger as by baby was PERFECT just 36 hours prior, what the F*CK is going on?? I need answers, NOW!!!
Thank God for my best friend...her mother is very high up in the chain of hospital employees and she came down to comfort me after I text my best friend with, "The ER resident just basically told me I'm going to miscarry".  I was able to speak with her mom and also a midwife who truly instilled the hope back in us.  They said because the bleeding stopped, I had no cramping or pain, that these are good things.  So I was discharged from the hospital and put on to bed rest for three days and well, here I am...and everything so far is good.
I still have no answers, as to where the blood is coming from.  Why it keeps happening...will it happen again.  I'm pretty much predicting I won't get answers either.  Maybe I'm just one of those women who bleed through out their pregnancy.  Who knows?  All I can do is keep my faith and trust in our Lord who protects me, carries me through my worries, and loves me.
Currently I'm 13 weeks pregnant and have felt our little blessing moving, A LOT.  It's nothing less than completely amazing and I'm seriously so in love.  <3