Keep on truckin'...

This past week was quite one of the more stressful weeks I have had.  First of all, Cris has the flu!  I knew he was sicker than he was leading on.  You know men, they hate going to the doctor and he was playing it off that he was not feeling that terrible.  I guess my "motherly instincts" kicked in a few weeks early because I knew that he needed to be seen by a professional.  After a little bit of coaxing, Cris went to the doctor and found out that he had the flu.  I'm so glad that he was tested because from there he was put on Tamiflu and I also have been put on it as a preventative.  So far, I have not felt any flu symptoms and I'm thanking God every free second I get.  I can't not imagine having the flu while pregnant, that would be not only so awful but seriously dangerous.
I also received the news that my platelets are continuing to drop.  When I was first tested, my platelets were at 125,000, then they dropped to 110,000, and this last time they dropped to 101,000.  I was told if they go under 100,000 that I will need to be referred to a hematologist and that they will most likely start me on steroids to raise the platelet count.  I have one last blood test today to test the platelets.  I am so sick of being jabbed with needles, you have no idea.  If there was ever a time that I thought I couldn't handle needles, I've proved to myself a thousand times over that I'm a professional pin cushion.  I don't even flinch anymore.
I'm exactly 33 days away from my estimated due date.  Its a bit surreal to know that I might have a baby THIS MONTH.  I honestly just can not wait to meet Landry.  I want to see him so badly.  I've dreamed of this little boy for three years now.  I will never forget the first dream I had about him...he was just a baby with this mop of blond curly hair (side note, I believe that Landry will look just like Cris so the fact that he had blonde hair in my dream was very far fetched lol), and he had big blue eyes and I was carrying him on my hip walking around a shopping mall and everyone was stopping me to say what a beautiful baby he was.  One older woman stopped me and said, "What is this angels name?" and even though realistically, Landry would not have been old enough to talk, this little high pitched voice comes bouncing out of his mouth and he said, "I'm LANDRY!" and we all laughed with surprise.  I had many more dreams of a little boy after that, and each one the boy looked different but I truly believe that I knew Landry was a boy from the second he was conceived.  I always had that feeling.  So to know that I'm just a few days away from meeting this little one, well I can't even put into words how anticipated this moment is.  I love him SO much already and I can't wait to fall in love with him even more.

Pregasaurus

There are a few words to describe the end of pregnancy...words like exciting and nerve-wracking come to mind....but so does, exhausting, debilitating, tiresome, backbreaking, grueling, tough, and draining.  When even just laying down is no longer comfortable, you're pretty much "over it".  I've heard a lot of people in their third trimester say, "I'm READY"...I never understood those words as fully as I do now.  I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore.  I'm ready to trade in my lack of sleep due to being uncomfortable and peeing all the time for lack of sleep due to an adorable tiny human needing food or a clean hiney.

You'll probably think I'm complaining, but no, I'm just listing my symptoms...
1. fatigued (that's puting it nicely)
2. carpal tunnel (worst in the morning)
3. swollen feet (my socks leave marks in my ankles, how's that for a turn on? haha)
4. huge boobs (seriously, they are kind of offensive)
5. weight gain (30lbs and counting, and I feel EVERY POUND)
6. braxton hicks contractions
7. shortness of breath (seriously, blinking to fast and I might pass out due to lack of oxygen)
8. backaches (no position is comfortable)
9. heartburn (I've probably eaten my weight in tums by now)
10. frequent urination (understatement of the year)
11. weird dreams (I kind of like this symptom, makes for interesting conversations)

As I sit here now and look at that list of annoying symptoms, it's easy for me know that every single one of them is worth it to have my miracle here in just a few short weeks.  I'd take all of those times two if I had too, just to know that Landry is on his way.  I can't wait to see him, to hold him, to smell him.  I can't wait to examine every little fingernail, every little hair on his head (if he has any), and just stare at him in awe, knowing that God gave me this gift....this incredible, amazing, heaven-sent gift.  So bottom line...yes, the third trimester is AWFUL for the mommy-to-be.  Everything is uncomfortable, everything hurts.  It SUCKS!  But...it's worth it...anything worth trying for, always is.  God bless all my sisters that are trying to conceive their miracle.  We all deserve to feel this crappy for the best reason ever!

My aching feet!

Ok if we are talking about before all my fertility treatments, I weighed 100lbs (on a good day).  My whole life I tried gaining weight to no avail. After I did my 2nd round of IVF I had put on 10lbs from the steroids they had me on.  So if we are talking about from when I found out I was pregnant I weighed exactly 110lbs.  Currently I am 8 months pregnant and my weight fluctuates from 130lbs in the morning to 135lbs at night. I have been retaining water like a camel!!! So honestly my feet have been carrying so much extra weight around I have decided to treat myself to a pedicure.  Never in my life has a pedicure felt so amazing!!! I can't even begin to explain it! I feel terrible for this beautiful little Asian woman in front of me rubbing my unshaven legs and calloused feet. I'll be sure to tip her well.  My excuse is that you get a better shave after a pedicure anyway.  Truth be told it's just been to uncomfortable to shave lately!  Everything  is uncomfortable lately. Anyway I'm going to end this blog and enjoy the rest of my pedicure. Just a reminder to treat yourself once in while...it's so worth it! 

Negativity on YouTube and Bullying

     I have been making videos on YouTube for over three years.  A question I get asked frequently is why I started making videos in the first place.  I started for two reasons.  The first reason is because I wanted to document my journey of trying to get pregnant after a full year of trying to conceive without any success.  The second reason is because after seeing everyone I knew in my personal life, able to get pregnant easily, I felt really alone.  I felt like no one understood my heartache, until I found the "TTC Community" on YouTube.  When I realized that there were a ton of women going through what I was going through it was comforting.  I wanted to be that comfort for someone else who may be enduring something similar in their life.
     Over the past three years, I would say that 99% of my videos, I have left emotion out of it.  As of lately, my videos have just been myself describing pregnancy symptoms I've been having.  However, my most recent video I decided to upload showed raw, in-the-moment, emotion.  It showed my hormonal side of pregnancy.  It showed my vulnerability.  And it showed that I am human.  And I have never, on any other video, received such rude and negative comments.  I've also never been bullied via YouTube, until now.   I was told I would be a "shitty mom because I sweat the small stuff", I was told that I am "immature", and that I am a "drama queen".  I'm sure there will be more comments like this, but the video has only been up for two days.
     I thought about disabling the comments to this video so that people couldn't get the satisfaction of trying to hurt me with words.  But when I took a step back, and looked at the big picture and took the personalization out of the equation, I realized what an opportunity this is for me to address this type of behavior from people.  I'm blessed to have reached a platform of people through YouTube and I'd like to take advantage of that my making a video that addresses such a commonality among social networking sites.
     To begin this blog addressing those who went out of their way to say hurtful things, I'd like to first say that hurt people, hurt people.  And in all honesty, that makes me sad.  That means that person comes from a line of hurt and it just is going to continue to cycle until one day someone decides to stop that cycle and better themselves.  Unfortunately, I can't change the way people treat others.  I can only pray for them, and so that's what I do.  I'd also like to point out that the people who chose to say hurtful things to me, are in my opinions, behaving cowardly.  I'm not trying to use that word derogatively, but I can't think of another word that describes a behavior such as this.  The comments were left by people who don't have a channel of their own, who would never have the courage to put their personal life out there in the public eye to face judgment and to be scrutinized.  When I put videos out there for anyone to view, I knew that there would be people that didn't like me, disagreed with me, or oppose my view.  That is fine, in fact, that's wonderful.  It means that we all are made up differently, we aren't robots, we can think for ourselves.  The problem for me is that when people choose to disagree with me, oppose my view, or simply just do not like me, they usually leave comments to disrespect me.
     I welcome constructive criticism and helpful advice.  I have no problem with that at all.  However, when someone goes out of their way to disrespect myself or any of my subscribers I will not tolerate it on my channel or in my life in general.  Those people might get away with that type of behavior in their personal lives, or on other social networking sites, but it will not be tolerated on my channel.  And thankfully, with the grace of God, these people are not affecting my life in a negative way.  It inspired me to write this blog instead.  I know there are children, teenagers, and even adults that this type of behavior would affect them, and that is why I'm using this platform in hopes to reach them.
     The only other thing that I would like to say to those of you reading this, is that if there has ever been a time in your life where you have been disrespected or bullied, I want you to know, that it wasn't personal to you.  The people that try to hurt you are struggling with something in their own life, whether they are being bullied themselves, or maybe they are insecure about something, or maybe their home life and relationships are toxic.  Whatever the case may be, that person has some type of issue or issues that they are struggling with.  When they see an emotional, or kind side of you, they tend to use that as their advantage point and "attack" when you are most vulnerable.  Do not let this type of behavior from people harden you into a cold emotionless person.  I've realized that the more I have put myself out there and the more I share, the more people I relate with, or can relate with me.  This has encouraged me to be compassionate with others, to encourage others, and support others.
     I am not perfect, I don't pretend to be.  I have faults and weaknesses, just like you do.  But from my side of the computer screen, I don't bash other women/people for choices they have made or opinions they may have.  If anything, that helps me to learn more about the person and broaden my mindset to other views.  I'm excited to make a video, addressing this topic and this blog.  And though I will never change the behavior of those who will continue to hurt others, I hope to provide comfort to those who also have been hurt by disrespectful individuals.

Healed People, Heal People 

Finding my own balance...

     I think my most important piece of advice I could offer to anyone that is pregnant is to stop listening to everyone else and just be in the moment with yourself.  I think most of my stress this pregnancy has come from the idea of what I should or shouldn't be feeling based on other people's opinions and experiences.  Every single pregnancy is different, every mother's body is different, and every single baby is different.
     I also think that it is completely okay to admit that pregnancy is HARD.  And a lot of the times, it SUCKS!  No matter how long you have dreamed of getting pregnant, whether or not the baby was planned,  and no matter how old you are, pregnancy is difficult.  I had failed fertility treatments and I prayed and prayed for this child, but I still have the right to complain that pregnancy is not glamorous, and it's really hard sometimes.  Sure, you'll hear the women who say, "Oh I just LOVE being pregnant!" and they seem to never complain about anything.  But I'm sure those women feel fatigued, nauseated, or fat at some point in their pregnancy.  And then you'll hear those women that say that they hate everything about being pregnant.  I believe I'm somewhere in the middle of those two extremes.
     I have no problem admitting that I hate having to go pee all the time.  Honestly, I wake up between 5-8 times a night to use the bathroom.  I also hate feeling restricted in terms of my level of activity.  There are times when I want to pick up my nephews and squeeze them, but I can't.  Or just wanting to go for a hard run to work off stress and I can't.  Of course people will say that I can do those things.  But in my head, I find reasons why I shouldn't.  I would not do anything to jeopardize this pregnancy.  So if to me that means no running, no lifting, etc, then it is what it is.
     I have also been underweight my entire life.  So now, seeing my body change is difficult.  I LOVE my big belly.  I wouldn't change that for the world.  However, I feel like I gained weight in my chin, like my face looks fat, and other people say they don't see it, maybe they are being nice, or maybe they don't see it.  However, I don't feel like myself and I don't like that.  And more than anything, I hate when people point it out.  Yes, I have had someone tell me my face looks full.  That made me like crap.
     I do love that when I'm sitting alone, thinking about upcoming weeks, and having my miracle in my arms, that I'm never actually alone.  I LOVE when he moves around and I can feel those punches and kicks, reminding me in the sweetest way possible that I am a mommy.  And with that being said, I LOVE being a mommy.  I love knowing that I am someone's mommy.  I think about the way I look at my mom, from when I was a little girl til now, and how much I love and need her.  I think about the sacrifices she made for me and how grateful I am for her.  And it overwhelms me in the best way possible to think that I am that person to someone.
     I also love how much I am in love already.  I haven't even met my son yet, and I already am in love with him.  He is a piece of heaven, gifted to me, from God.  I can't even put that in words how incredible that is.  And more than even that, I love how close I feel to God.  God chose to me mother this soul  The idea that God trusts me to do that, makes me feel so loved by God and has only strengthened my faith in Him.
     To wrap this up, I just wanted to encourage pregnant women to enjoy their own personal experience in their own way and complain when you want to if you makes you feel better.  Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest, like, "UGH!  I feel so fat today!" or "My skin is so gross!".  But then also don't forget to cherish the things you do enjoy!  Like when your husband runs out to get you a hot fudge sundae from McDonalds...or when someone says, "Wow your hair look amazing" or "You are seriously glowing".  I think it's perfectly fine to find your own balance.
 

Rants are not my thing...

     Complaining, ranting, b*tching, and moaning just aren't my thing.  I truly do try my best to stay positive while also motivating others to do the same.  However, I feel I need to take this opportunity and get this off of my chest.  I've had a few months to get used to this ever growing belly and body changes and yet still, every day, something new occurs.  I think as a first time pregnant woman, that is enough on it's own, yet people feel it is necessary to point things out, things you probably took notice to yourself already.  I have one word for these people...IDIOT.
   
  Here are my examples of the comments I have received through out these past 23 weeks of pregnancy and my thoughts on these intrusive comments:

1.  "Your baby bump is so small, good luck with everything" -  I AM SMALL.  Do you know how ridiculous I would look if my bump was HUGE compared to my body?  I'm small framed, have been my whole life.  My belly isn't going to look like that of someone who normally weighs 50lbs more than I do.  And don't wish me good luck, that's rude.  Luck?  Luck doesn't exist to me.  Want to be nice in wishing me well?  Pray for me.
     And this goes both ways, you shouldn't say "Your bump is so big" either...you do know that pregnant woman feel huge no matter what, right??

2.  "I can tell you are pregnant, your face is so much fuller" - So, basically what you just said to me is, "your face is fat."  Thanks for going out of your way to point that out.  When would it be okay to say this to anyone at any point in their life?  I'm guessing never...so why say that to someone when they are pregnant?


3.  "What's up with your weight?" - Yes...I was asked this by a nurse!  One, I'm sorry, did you just graduate the 4th grade?  Is that how you talk to patients?  How unprofessional.  Two, what do you mean, whats up with it?  I didn't even know what she was asking.  Apparently I was supposed to have gained between 10-15lbs by that time and I had only gained 7lbs.  People need to back off on the weight thing.  If my baby is measuring where he should be, than my weight shouldn't be of concern unless I lost weight.  Everyone is different, every pregnancy in different.  And FYI, my baby is measuring a few days bigger than average, so I'd say he's thriving, thank you very much :)

4.  "Your boobs got huge." -  Uh...thanks for noticing??  Apparently they must have been microscopic before.

   Seriously, what is wrong with people??  I was raised so differently I guess.  And by different, I mean to have respect for other people's feelings.  There are two things that you should say to pregnant woman no matter what you think of her appearance:

1.  You look ________ (fill in with any positive adjective, example being great, amazing, wonderful, fantastic)
2.  You are glowing!

     That's it people.  Those are the only two acceptable forms of compliments for anyone that is pregnant.  I know my face is fuller, I know my boobs got big.  I know the skin on my face is dry, I know hips, butt, thighs, and arms got bigger.  I stare at myself in the mirror butt-naked daily...not to superficially criticize the extra amount of weight I'm carrying around and what it's doing to me physically.  No.  I stare in complete AWE...examining every little detail that is allowing my miracle to grow and thrive inside me.

     As for the dumb people who actually said those things to me...I think it's highly necessary that you think about what you say before it leaves your mouth.  And what it would feel like to have that very same thing said to you.  Maybe you think saying that my bump is so small is a compliment, but its not.  Leave size out it. Please, for the love of God.

AHHHHH!  I feel much  better.

Baby Movements and Placenta Anterior

     What is “placenta anterior?”  It means that the placenta is located in front of the uterus.  Usually placentas are positioned on the side or behind the uterus.   This is in no way harmful for the baby, the baby could care less where the placenta is, as long as it’s functioning properly, there is no concern at this point to be told I have placenta anterior.  What it does mean is that I will have “muted” or minimal movement while other pregnant women will be able to see and feel their baby from the outside. 

     I started to feel our baby move very early on in this pregnancy.  After everything I've been through, I’m so in tune with my body so I’m not surprised I felt him early.   Earlier this year, I was able to tell the doctor I felt a cyst on my right ovary before they did the ultrasound…low and behold, I was right!  T

hat’s just proof that I knew I felt my baby earlier than what people think you can feel it.  I felt very tiny bubbles at 9 and 10 weeks.  That’s very very early!  But, because of the placenta anterior, it could be a long time until I or my husband can feel him kick/move from the outside.

     Currently, I’m 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant…the only way I can describe the movement I feel now is gentle jabs.  They are quick but subtle and completely random.  I do feel him a lot more after I drink some cold apple juice and then lay down on the couch.  I have yet to feel him while I’m up walking around.  There were only two incidences when he moved very hard, and perhaps if my hand was on my stomach at the time, I may have felt him from the outside.  It was in the same day…the first time was around noon and it felt like the baby did a flip inside me.  And I went to an ultrasound that day, come to find out, baby was head down…he did flip!  And then later that night, I was on the couch watching tv and crocheting and I felt it again, a little less forceful, but still a big movement none the less.  And I told Cris, “I think he just flipped again!” and a few days later at my next ultrasound, maybe was head up again!  I wish he would do that more often because those movements were big, heavy, distinct movements.  What he’s doing right now feels like he’s just twitching his limbs every so often.

     I can’t wait until his movement s become regular and more distinct.  I think any mom with placenta anterior feels a small pang of jealousy when it seems like everyone else can feel and see their baby moving around this time.  It’s not even me that I’m wishing this for, it’s for my husband.  I get to feel our son every so often, but I can’t wait for Cris to feel him too.  I know that moment will be one to remember!

Below is a picture of my son in mid-kick...look at those long skinny legs!  Haha, he's so cute already I can't even take it!