Daycare Guilt or any kind of Mom-Guilt...read this.

The guilt a parent feels, though it probably doesn't have an expiration date, it might feel heavier or lighter some days.  Something I struggle with a lot lately is daycare guilt.  It's a thing, trust me.  Sometimes (today) I feel like, I'm in a complete cloud of it and it's fogging up my ability to see things clearly.  All kinds of shit starts racing through my head...the main thought being, am I doing the right thing?  Should I be working full time and providing Landry with a stable future financially, but consequently be away from him 40 hours a week during the most influential times of his life?  Or should I give up my career, live strapped for cash, but be home with him 24/7?


Look, I hate money, okay...like hate it.  It means NOTHING to me, but unfortunately you need some to get by in the world.  And apparently, the more you have, the easier it is to do a lot of things that will benefit you in life, like go to college...education is huge to me, especially this day and age.  And I can't tell you how important it is to me that Landry (and future children of mine) get to experience college, if they want to.  It was one of the best experiences of my life, it helped shape and mold me, and I learned so much there, not just from the classes and professors, but true life lessons that are still important in the present time.  So, I don't want to look back and re-read this blog post and think, wow, it really sounds like I have chosen having money over spending time with Landry, because that just ain't it.


I don't work for myself...I work so that we can take Landry on vacations where we can create memories as a family that will last longer than a lifetime.  I work so that Landry's future is as stable as it can be given what we have.  I work for him, not for anything or anyone else.  So I can provide my very best for him.  I bet you reading this is thinking, "I get it, you don't have to explain why you have to work"...but for me, sometimes I need to talk (pray) about things, and/or write about things to make things clear in my vision again.


If I had more stability for his future financially with just one of us working in our home, I'd gladly give up my career to be a stay-at-home-mom.  Not because they have it easier, not because they don't really work, cuz that's bullshit, they do just as much if not more work in a span of 8 hours than I do coming into an office-type setting, but because they don't miss their children on a daily basis.  They don't have to say goodbye every morning.  They don't have to entrust someone else to give their best care to their children.  They don't have to worry about what germy kids will be playing with their kid every, single, day.  It's hard...and don't get me started on missing milestones, whew, I just can't mentally handle that right now.  But do you see where the guilt comes from? 


So, when I'm feeling this way...which is guilty, ashamed, anxious...I turn to the One that can rid me of these terrible feelings.  Whether it's quotes taken from scripture and rewritten on pretty backgrounds, floating around on Pinterest, or it's actually grabbing the bible and hunting down the scripture that I know will help you cope with the feelings I am experiencing.  I do both, except, I have a bible app on my phone that I use instead.  Oh and I cry, sometimes even weep, and I just let myself feel those things because God is close to the broken hearted. 


If you're ever feeling this way, maybe these will help you liked they help comfort me:


Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Isaiah 44:22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you
Psalms 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power, love, and self-control
Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.
Psalm 94:19 When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 3:5 I lay down and slept; and woke again, for the Lord sustained me.


That last one I hold dear to my heart for sure, because anytime I lie awake letting guilt, anxiety, fear, or worry overcome me, I remember that the Lord always wakes me feeling lighter.  He takes it all away and I can start the day completely free of the burdened I carried the day before.  So just stop wasting time, confess your sins, and cast your cares to God, there is nothing bigger than Him.  I am just so thankful for His unconditional, unfailing love.  

Quote of the Day

[The void] It's that place in our lives where what we've been hanging onto . . . clinging to for dear life . . . is stripped away. It's that place in us where we let go of what we know, what we think we know, and what we want and surrender to the unknown. It is the place of saying and meaning, 'I don't know.' It means standing there with our hands empty for a while, sometimes watching everything we wanted disappear; our self image, our definition of who we thought we should be, the clones we've created of ourselves, the people we thought we had to have, the things we thought were so important to collect and surround ourselves with, the job we were certain was ours, the place we thought we'd live in all our lives. . . Surrender control to the supreme wisdom and authority of God and to the Divine in your soul. Step into the void with courage. Learn to say, I don't know. That's not blind faith. It's pure faith that will allow God and your spirit to lead you wherever your soul wants and needs to go.

Melody Beattie, "Finding Your Way Home"

On to the next adventure!

     Well hello there...it's been quite a bit hasn't it?  Well that's for good reason, there was NOTHING going on.  As you know, if you have followed this journey of mine, you'll remember that my second round of IVF was put on hiatus until my body healed from Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome.  I'm overjoyed to share with you that my body is back to normal, I have had a natural menstrual cycle, and I'm ready to start our Frozen Embryo Transfer cycle! 

     Things are different this time around.  This is my first FET cycle, so there are few new aspects to what occurs within a cycle compared to a fresh IVF cycle, and I will get into all that when they occur.  The good news is that it is a lot less to do, in terms of injections.  To compare, in the fresh IVF cycle you have to stimulate your body to make eggs.  Since my eggs were already taken out, fertilized, and frozen, we don't have to that this cycle.  So right now, instead of "stimulating" we are "supressing" my ovaries from making eggs.  Currently I've begun Lupron injections again.  If you are wondering what Lupron is, it's a medication that acts by supressing the pituitary gland (which is the gland responsible for triggering ovulation).

     I have my first doctors appointment for the FET cycle in a few days.  This is a routine visit where they do an internal ultrasound to check things out, make sure there are no cysts and your ovaries and uterus look normal.  They also will take blood to check my estrodial levels. 

     I'm praying that everything goes smoothly (and in my head that means no set backs or hiccups along the way).  Though, if there is one thing I have gotten good at during this journey, its waiting!  Thanks for thinking of me and your continued support! xxoo