Friday, November 30, 2012
We found a new doctor. This doctor is out of state so it will be quite the ride for us to see him, but hopefully, very worth it. I think what is most exciting about this doctor is that we got in on a cancellation. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to see him until 2013. Our appointment is December 18th, 2012. I'm really looking forward to this consultation. Even though it sort of feels like we are starting over, Cris and I both have a good feeling about this doctor. A good feeling is hard to come by in this journey...we are going to roll with it!
Monday, November 26, 2012
I notice that every (failed) month that passes I literally say, "I can't wait for (insert current month) to be over." This month, November, has been no exception. However, I realized that even though that sounds really pessimistic, that it is my own way of staying hopeful. Once the month is over I have a fresh start to a new cycle and can begin the process again. So with that said, December may bring new things and for that I'm thankful.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
After the awful day I had, I walked in the door and my husband surprised me with flowers, dinner, and a clean house. I just started crying because of how I was blown away by his thoughtfulness. Never in my life did I ever dream my husband and I would have to face so many struggles with trying to conceive, but this journey has brought us closer together. We love each other more now than the day we got married. And that makes me happy. We built TRUE love.
Its a dark day today. Cycle Day #1, on to our 23rd month of TTC. Why does this have to be so hard? Every time I see blood I think, "of course I'm not pregnant again, why would I be? It has been the same old story for 22 long horribly painful months." I look around and see all these people having true genuine smiles on their faces and I envy their authentic happiness because I feel like I'm dying inside. Silently I wipe away the tears as I sit in my cubicle hoping no one notices the emotionally unstable lost little girl. I sit here feeling so sad for myself, internalizing the pain into physical stress that body is crying out for a vacation from life. Then the guilt settles in and you hear the dark side whisper, "people have been trying longer than you, some people suffer miscarriage after miscarriage, some people had failed IVFs done," and it just makes me feel even worse for feeling bad for myself. It is an exhausting circle of sadness and pain.