I can feel this almost annoying pull towards something huge. I don't know what it is and that's the annoying part. Life would be so much easier if answers to our big life questions were spelled out for us. Instead of letting that annoying aspect of this pull creep in, I'm focusing on the excitement of the newness it brings. Did you ever feel that way in life, like something BIG is on the horizon, you just can't quite bring it in to focus yet? So you keep trekking forward, knowing eventually that it will all come into focus. It's that trekking part that exhausts us, mostly mentally and emotionally, but one of the greatest gifts of all is the feeling of accomplishment after persevering through the unknown obstacles that lie ahead.
I, by nature, am a very inward and spiritual person. A lot of the time, I don't even notice what is happening around me because I am so much up in my own head and thoughts snowball out of control until I snap out of it and think, "Shit, what did they just say?" to the person across from me, waiting for me to speak. This could be a bad thing, but you know me, Ms. Positive Thinker, I am choosing to focus on this as a gift. Because of my inwardness, I have really come to know God. These inward thoughts have turned into prayers. And before I go any further, let me tell you, my prayer life has dramatically changed. I've grown so much (though I still have a long way to go) in my spiritual maturity. When you're "reborn", it's exactly like they say, it's like getting a pair of glasses for the first time, everything is surprisingly (and almost painfully) clear. The evils of the world you once knew are everywhere, and it's incredibly overwhelming. What I struggle with a lot of the time is connecting with people I'm close with that haven't had this experience yet. What I rejoice in, is that this is my opportunity, given by God, to live my life in such a way that His love is shown through my life, actions, words, and thoughts.
I used to say, "I don't like to push my beliefs on anyone." That's just not true, it's a lie. I do like sharing my beliefs. I do like pointing out miracles amidst tragedies, I do like giving God the glory He deserves when others don't see His hand in the workings of our lives. These are my beliefs, and I do in fact push them. I push them any chance I get. For example, I was at one of those self check out stands at a grocery store and the man next to me was really struggling trying to scan a product. He seemed to be in such a hurry and I could tell he was really getting fed up with the whole process when he said, "You've got to be kidding me," as he shook his head in frustration. If you say something loud enough for others to hear, you should expect someone will respond. That someone was me. I looked at him and as genuinely as I could, I said, "It's just God's way of slowing you down." And he chuckled and his face softened, it sort of seemed like a weight lifted and just maybe, what I said impacted his life, maybe it didn't. But it was my opportunity to share His love, and those small opportunities lead to big feelings of gratitude.
Something that really sticks out when you become "reborn" (I still feel so weird saying that but there is no other way to explain it, since everything is new), is that you are thankful for things unseen. Meaning, that traffic you're stuck in is probably God's way of protecting you from being in harms way. You missed your flight? Maybe you would have sat next to someone with a cold and you would have gotten sick. Maybe you are sick? Maybe that is God's way to call you to have a relationship with Him so that your life story can be a testimony to others. You didn't get that job? Perhaps it's because God knows you're meant for something more. I've learned and accepted this because of what I went through and experienced with my struggle to have a baby. It's not until I realized this that I became thankful for my struggle to conceive. In fact, how blessed am I that God called me this way, instead of the loss of a loved one, cancer, or some other crisis. I'm so thankful, thankful to the point that it at times moves me to tears.
See when I say something BIG is on the horizon I feel this in my bones. I want to know just exactly what this means, but I don't. So in the mean time, I've decided that my prayer life needs to be more disciplined. I need to make more time for God since He is the one who will reveal the answers. I can't do this on my own, I know that and He knows that. He already knows what is in store for me and even though I'm not a fan of surprises, I know that His plan is better than my best dreams. I'm staying focused on my prayer life right now because that is the only thing I know for sure that I can control. It's my choice to either make time for Jesus or keep putting him on the back burner. I read about a drama skit once, where a girl opened the door to her bedroom and Jesus was there, she invited him in to sit down. She apologized profusely for not making time for Him and promising that they would spend the night together catching up, but then her friends called. She ditched Him. He wanted to follow her there to the party, but she said no, that He didn't belong there. And when she left, to keep Him in His place, she nailed His hands to the cross. I instantly felt guilt. How many times have we done this in our lives, we did our own thing and left Jesus behind. I don't want to do this anymore and I'm following that feeling. I don't know where this will lead me but I know that I'm being guided by Him when I'm in prayer, and He will never lead me astray. Trusting in Him is a choice that I at one time fought so hard. I wanted things done in my time and lost my cool when it didn't happen. When I say lost my cool, I mean it, I cried more days out of the week than I did smile. I detached from friends and family, I drank a lot of beer, I spent money on things that made me temporarily happy, I disliked other people simply because I couldn't see my own blessings and was jealous of theirs. I don't know what I was thinking and to be honest, I didn't know who I was. I felt so out of control of my emotions and my life. I feared not knowing what the future held for me when I wanted to be a mom so badly. The "what ifs" ruined me. But our God is so good, he chased after me in those dark places and still loved me enough to want a relationship with me. It's so humbling, because I know I don't deserve all that He's blessed me with and yet He continues to bless me every. Single. Day.
So, I made a commitment to myself and to Jesus. Every morning, I'm going to wake up half an hour earlier than normal (which is mad early, like 5:00 AM early) and sit down with my cup of coffee and Jesus. And give my heart and time to Him. In this commitment I'll grow in ways I can't comprehend now, but I know that things I can't even put into a thought right now, will come to fruition. Before this commitment, I would and still do pray every single morning in the car on the way to work and to and from my lunch hour and on the way home. It was a step in the right direction, but if I'm driving, how much of my attention is being divided? I want to give my full attention and heart over to Jesus every morning and start my day with Him. And so it begins. Today was my first day of sitting down on my couch, with a cup of coffee with no other intention than to pray. I sat across from an empty couch and I picture Jesus there, so happy to see me and spend time with me. It was a lovely feeling, and one I hope to become more comfortable with each time we meet. It wasn't until I was done showering that I felt complete and totally ready to start my day with my only goal being to live in such a way that His love is shown through me, my actions, my thoughts, and my words. That's all.
I'm starting a prayer journal to keep me focused and also to document my spiritual growth. I also think it's helpful to recognize blessings. To look back and be wowed by God's work. Feeling so thankful as I end this long blog post. Thanks for sticking with me and reading my thoughts, and taking this journey with me.
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