Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Faith and Unbelief

     Since I have been reborn, I find myself thirsting for the word of God. Unfortunetly, for me, it's like the bible has its own language.  So, I have been trying to find different ways to quench this thirst.  I found that bible study helps a lot, especially when everyone can give an example of what the scripture means and make it relatable to me.  I've also found that YouTube is an abundant resource for sermons by people like Joyce Meyer and Creflo Dollar who make the word of God so simple and easy to understand.
     My recent understanding has been about faith and unbelief. I'm going to try my best to write this out so it's not only easy to read but easy to put into practice in your own life, bare with me, it's new to me too.  Okay, so I believe in God...I always have. I was raised where I was taught that there is a being in the sky greater than any person that ever lived who sees everything and controls everything.  Some of that is still true in my eyes, however, since I have become an adult, a reborn adult, I now know God, and He is so much more than I could have ever imagined. Lets stick to the origin of this topic starter though, shall we?  So here it is, simply, I have always had faith. There is no denying that. I grew up with it, it grew with me, and now since being reborn, my faith is stronger than its ever been.  So what's the problem? The problem lies within one word, that word being "unbelief".  Unbelief is a new word to me.  I only learned of it a few weeks ago.  Here is what good old webster has to say about it:

Unbelief:  incredulity or skepticism especially in matters of religious faith

    I hate to say this, but lets be honest...we live in a world, an age of unbelief.  Need an example?  Fear, doubt, worry, care...that is all unbelief and it comes from many sources.  For me, a huge source of unbelief came from a little social network known as facebook.  I would sign on to facebook and there in my face without me asking to see it is another pregnancy announcement.  That person is most likely facing their own struggles in life and most likely did not post their pregnancy annoucement on facebook to hurt my feelings, yet I took it personally.  And it happened again, and again, and again.  First of all, it made me care about the fact that I'm not pregnant and never have been.  That in turn made me full of worry, worried that I'm going to continue to see pregnant women, ultrasound pictures, and babies everywhere I looked.  That in turn filled me with fear.  My fears sounded like this, "well what if God doesn't fufill his promise to me?  I'm scared I will never get pregnant."  Does any of this ring a bell with you?  Can you relate?

     What I learned is this, and pay attention to this now:  Unbelief cancels out your faith. 

     Read that again. 

     So here I sit with faith stronger than it's ever been but I have unbelief.  Well, then in short, nothing I pray for will manifest because I'm not going anywhere.  I'm stagnant if I carry this unbelief.  Scary.  Now I questioned myself, what can I do about this unbelief?  I certainly don't want it, but what can I do to get rid of it?  Honestly, I'm still working on getting rid of it all...but I'm taking steps to change, and that's progress.  For one, I said good bye to facebook.  My world survived before facebook came along, and it will survive after I've deactivated my account.  I've also unsubscribed to everyone on youtube who is trying to conceive.  Hear me out.  I have built friendships with these women who have also been faced with infertility issues.  So, if I have built true friendships, they will withstand the idea of me unsubscribing from them.  The reason I have done this is so when I go to youtube, my subscriptions that pop up are not constant reminders of trying to get pregnant.  When I go on to youtube now, my subscriptions are to people that either inspire me, encourage me, or make me laugh.   For me, and my journey of growth, I will not be constantly reminded of situations that feed my unbelief.  It's time to let go of fear, doubt, worry, and care and cast them to our Father.  He has given us everything we need, it's just a matter of trusting Him.





 

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Strong Little Embryos!

Out of the 28 eggs that were retrieved, we ended up with 8 strong embryos that are now frozen. When my OHSS subsides and I get a natural menstrual cycle we can do our frozen embryo transfer. Praying time flies!

Egg Retrieval Success

The doctor retrieved 28 eggs! We are so blessed! However, with that number of eggs came a horrible syndrome called Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. It had not been an easy road by any means, but God is molding me in to the person I'm supposed to be. I believe my experiences will help others get through similar situations. Trying to stay positive and get healthy!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Few days away from Egg Retrieval

Round Two...

I'm just 3-4 days away from egg retrieval. At the moment, I feel my ovaries...it's crazy! It's not everyday you can feel your ovaries making eggs. Last time they retrieved 12...we are hoping for the same amount if not more. We are praying that our miracle is just around the corner!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Quote of the Day

"Hardships make or break people" - Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind



Thursday, March 14, 2013

Am I ready to do this all over again?

I am ready...though I already know this second IVF cycle is going to take every ounce of energy I have. Sometimes I doubt my strength (only for a second) because then I am reminded that there is nothing I would not do for my future baby. The ugly bruises from my injections and blood draws are worth it. The side effects from medications are worth it. Being propped up on a table with your legs spread for a doctor, team of nurses, and anesthesiologist to see, is worth it. Every part of this grueling journey is worth it, if the outcome is a healthy baby. Check out these battle wounds below...I'm damn proud of my strength. Bring it on, I AM READY!







Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Back to Back Freshies?

Yes, I'm still grieving our failed cycle. I think that feeling might always stay with me. And that's okay, I've grown from this in a way that would not have been possible if I wouldn't have experienced such devastation. However, I have to pick myself up from my bootstraps and keep moving forward. In the words of my favorite country artist, "You got to dig a little deeper when you think you can't dig no more," - Jason Aldean
We are paying a shit ton of money to an insurance company that partially covers IVF. After speaking to our doctor since our failed cycle, we came up with a new plan. The first thing I need to do is have blood work done to rule out the chance that I may have an immunology issue that could be attacking an embryo from implanting. It's very rare, but there is a chance I could be one if those people that have such a disorder. Can you believe that this blood work costs $600?! Its insane how much this crap costs! Once we get that bill I will submit it to the insurance company...but y'all know how that goes.
If you are not aware, I have one little frozen embryo just chillin' (literally) in a freezer somewhere. And since frozen embryo transfer is less expensive than fresh, what makes sense financially is to do another fresh cycle, and try to attain more embryos to freeze. That way, if this fresh cycle does not result in a baby, we will possibly have more "chances" in the future with our frozen embryos. Also, if we were to do the frozen embryo and it did not work, we would be left with nothing. If we did the frozen and it ended up being successful, we would obviously be thrilled, but if we ever wanted a chance at more children we would have to do the fresh cycle over again...when I'm older. And age matters when it comes to your chances at success. So this is what makes sense for us...it's scary...it's a lot to take in, but I believe that God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. He believes I can handle this, so, so do I.
I start the birth control again today. At least this time I have an idea of what to expect! Here is to another chance at getting my miracle.