It's been a week since we put our little embryo in! Emotionally, I straddle the line of nervousness and excitement. One second I think, "I'm afraid to be sad again"...the next second I think, "don't let your past define your future, just because nothing worked before doesn't mean this isn't going to either." It's a constant battle I have going on in my head. I keep telling myself, "I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant"...in hopes that my body believes my brain. I also tell myself that there is nothing to fear, because God is with me. Sometimes I forget that and my emotions creep up on me. Once I remind myself that I should fear nothing, I feel calm and more at ease while I wait this out. Physically, I really don't feel any different. I think that is what is freaking me out the most. I guess in my head I always thought I would know when I was pregnant before I had proof. You always hear about women and their DPO (days past ovulation) symptoms. And, well, I don't have any of them. I don't have sore boobs, I don't have implantation bleeding, I don't have break outs, I don't have twinges. So I don't know how to take that. Anyone I tell that to says, "just relax, I didn't feel pregnant for weeks!". So I still have hope. If there is anything physical I feel, it's that my uterus (or the area I believe my uterus to be in) at times feels full. And I honestly think that is due to the estrodial injection I'm on twice weekly.
I'm choosing to walk by faith and not by sight. I do not need to physically see or feel anything to be pregnant. All I truly need to do is keep my trust in the Lord that no matter how the end of this turns out, that God has a plan for me. That's all I need to know. I pray that His plan involves us conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to full term, blessing me with a family of my own. But I trust that no matter what, His plan is better than anything I can even dream of. I think we all, as humans, need to be reminded of that every single day. Stop worrying about things that are out of our control. What a waste of time and energy. Instead, trust God. <3
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