Daycare Guilt or any kind of Mom-Guilt...read this.

The guilt a parent feels, though it probably doesn't have an expiration date, it might feel heavier or lighter some days.  Something I struggle with a lot lately is daycare guilt.  It's a thing, trust me.  Sometimes (today) I feel like, I'm in a complete cloud of it and it's fogging up my ability to see things clearly.  All kinds of shit starts racing through my head...the main thought being, am I doing the right thing?  Should I be working full time and providing Landry with a stable future financially, but consequently be away from him 40 hours a week during the most influential times of his life?  Or should I give up my career, live strapped for cash, but be home with him 24/7?


Look, I hate money, okay...like hate it.  It means NOTHING to me, but unfortunately you need some to get by in the world.  And apparently, the more you have, the easier it is to do a lot of things that will benefit you in life, like go to college...education is huge to me, especially this day and age.  And I can't tell you how important it is to me that Landry (and future children of mine) get to experience college, if they want to.  It was one of the best experiences of my life, it helped shape and mold me, and I learned so much there, not just from the classes and professors, but true life lessons that are still important in the present time.  So, I don't want to look back and re-read this blog post and think, wow, it really sounds like I have chosen having money over spending time with Landry, because that just ain't it.


I don't work for myself...I work so that we can take Landry on vacations where we can create memories as a family that will last longer than a lifetime.  I work so that Landry's future is as stable as it can be given what we have.  I work for him, not for anything or anyone else.  So I can provide my very best for him.  I bet you reading this is thinking, "I get it, you don't have to explain why you have to work"...but for me, sometimes I need to talk (pray) about things, and/or write about things to make things clear in my vision again.


If I had more stability for his future financially with just one of us working in our home, I'd gladly give up my career to be a stay-at-home-mom.  Not because they have it easier, not because they don't really work, cuz that's bullshit, they do just as much if not more work in a span of 8 hours than I do coming into an office-type setting, but because they don't miss their children on a daily basis.  They don't have to say goodbye every morning.  They don't have to entrust someone else to give their best care to their children.  They don't have to worry about what germy kids will be playing with their kid every, single, day.  It's hard...and don't get me started on missing milestones, whew, I just can't mentally handle that right now.  But do you see where the guilt comes from? 


So, when I'm feeling this way...which is guilty, ashamed, anxious...I turn to the One that can rid me of these terrible feelings.  Whether it's quotes taken from scripture and rewritten on pretty backgrounds, floating around on Pinterest, or it's actually grabbing the bible and hunting down the scripture that I know will help you cope with the feelings I am experiencing.  I do both, except, I have a bible app on my phone that I use instead.  Oh and I cry, sometimes even weep, and I just let myself feel those things because God is close to the broken hearted. 


If you're ever feeling this way, maybe these will help you liked they help comfort me:


Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Isaiah 44:22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you
Psalms 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power, love, and self-control
Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.
Psalm 94:19 When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 3:5 I lay down and slept; and woke again, for the Lord sustained me.


That last one I hold dear to my heart for sure, because anytime I lie awake letting guilt, anxiety, fear, or worry overcome me, I remember that the Lord always wakes me feeling lighter.  He takes it all away and I can start the day completely free of the burdened I carried the day before.  So just stop wasting time, confess your sins, and cast your cares to God, there is nothing bigger than Him.  I am just so thankful for His unconditional, unfailing love.  

One or Two?

     My doctor called me and explained to me the LATEST theory of natural killer cells and what it means to put in two embryos versus one embryo.  The latest theory that has evolved is that if you put two embryos in, the killer cells (though have been treated with intralipids) would take to it as MORE of a foreign body than if it were just one embryo.  If you put two in, your body could create more cells to attack the embryos, is basically what scientists think might happen.  Now, this is just a theory.  He said he wanted Cris and I to think about it and let him know what our decision is by the end of today.  He also said to us that if our heart was set on putting two in tomorrow, that he has no problem with going forward and putting two in.  If there was hard evidence versus just a theory than this would be a different story.  
     It didn't take us long to decide what our choice is.  Cris and I are having only one embryo put in tomorrow.  Both of us obviously want the best possible outcome.  We also never pictured ourselves having twins.  From the beginning of this journey I only ever saw myself of a mother of a little boy.  We already have his name picked out, we have for a long time.  Anyway, I felt that this phone call has God's hands all over it.  I was given the chance to change my mind, and change it I did!  I feel less anxiety about the idea of twins and if my body could handle that.  I feel hopeful and excited about tomorrow.  If the FET does not work for us this time, the doctor said we can choose to put two in next time.  But that probably wont be until sometime in 2014.  Let's pray this time works and I don't have to think about another FET anytime soon <3

Last Appointment Before FET

     I was seen by my doctor on Saturday, the last time before my Frozen Embryo Transfer. Everything looks good! I still have the cyst on my right side, but it's not doing anything, so there is no concern for it at this time. My lining looks great and the doctor is pleased with how everything has come along. 

     I have voiced concern for the amount of weight I have gained since starting this cycle. I have put on 10lbs since starting my medications. Apparently dexamethasone is known to cause rapid weight gain.  I guess in my case, it's a good thing, as I have been told that a few pounds could help in getting pregnant.  I just figure and hope that it's God's way of preparing my body to carry a baby(ies). It's just so weird to not be able to button your pants! I never in my life had weight issues or watched what I ate, but since stepping on the scale, I got a tiny taste of what that is like. I still eat like I normally do, but now I'm actually attentive to the fact that I'm eating "chips" or "cookies". And I find myself choosing fruit or veggies over processed and prepackaged snacks. 

     Anyway...I'm just so excited that our FET is just a few days away now. I'm feeling very loved, very blessed, and very supported by my friends and family. If you are reading this, then I thank you, because that means you believe in me and support me. My husband and I are blessed to have you as a crucial part in our journey. 

Thank You

     It's just crazy how far I've come in my life in terms of figuring out who I am and how I want to live my life.  All thanks to God...honestly, I'm nothing without Him, my life would be nothing without Him.  I think back to the things I used to pray for, the times in my life that I would pray, and the people in my life I would pray for.  My spiritual growth continues to amaze me.  I once was this naive girl, floating through life, praying to be blessed with what I thought I deserved.  Embarrassed to admit, I'd pray as my last resort sometimes, begging God for something to happen or not to happen.  Have you been there too?   The comforting thing about this is knowing I'm human, I'm a sinner, I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes, but God loves me unconditionally.  I am his child. 
     I have learned so much, especially recently, through this journey of trying to conceive a baby.  Without having to face this struggle in life, I would not have come to know the Lord in the way in which I do now.  Our relationship we have built would not be this strong, my faith would not have grown.  I did not know the meaning of thankfulness until I realized how thankful I am for having being called to God in this way.  I have no words to even begin to describe how blessed I am.  My eyes have been opened, my heart has been softened.  I am aware of so much more now than I can even wrap my mind around,  yet still have so much to learn.  It's so beautiful that if I think about it long and hard enough, I am moved to tears of joy and awe of just how much God loves me. 
     My prayers were selfish and shallow.  My life was about only me.  Now, with the love of Jesus Christ in my heart, my world has been transformed.  I take a moment everyday to give thanks to God, but it doesn't seem like it's enough.  I praise God every time I can, in every situation, but it doesn't seem like that's enough either.  The love I feel from God is just too great to ever feel like I am deserving of it.  Simply put, God is LOVE.
     My prayers now are that of thanks and also I pray that everyone can feel His love.  I pray that everyone can feel the peace in their heart that comes from knowing the Holy Spirit.  I want people to feel the gratitude that I do, I want everyone to see how blessed they are, to know happiness in it's truest form.  I want everyone to see how beautiful life is and share God's love with each other, to treat each other with respect and care in everything they do.  I just want everyone to know Him and give their life to Him. 

     Pray with me: 

Lord I come before You, desiring to provide thanks.  Father, I have so much to be thankful for, things unseen and seen, that You have done in my life. Lord, mostly I am thankful for the relationship that I have with You. You initiated this relationship, by what Your Son endeavored to accomplish,

paying the price for my sin, redeeming and reconciling me. You know the times I have been ungrateful, held ill thoughts toward You and my fellow humans. You know the times I complain and grumble about life and its circumstances, about suffering, going through what seem endless trials and tribulations. Yet God You are and always will be there with me, even when it seems like I am forever in the wilderness, running further and further from You, You, my God are there guiding me back to Your loving arms.  I am thankful Lord for everything that You allow to cross my path. Thankful for the decisions that You allow me to make and the lessons that come from these decisions.

I’m thankful, Lord, that I do not have to live under condemnation anymore, that You have truly set me free, that I am a new creation that I need not live under the law anymore. Thankful Lord that You have given me joy unspeakable. Thankful Lord that You are longsuffering, allowing me to mature in You! Lord, words do not express my thankfulness. For Your mighty power is at work in me, transforming me, renewing my mind. To You Lord belong thanks eternal.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Quote of the Day

[The void] It's that place in our lives where what we've been hanging onto . . . clinging to for dear life . . . is stripped away. It's that place in us where we let go of what we know, what we think we know, and what we want and surrender to the unknown. It is the place of saying and meaning, 'I don't know.' It means standing there with our hands empty for a while, sometimes watching everything we wanted disappear; our self image, our definition of who we thought we should be, the clones we've created of ourselves, the people we thought we had to have, the things we thought were so important to collect and surround ourselves with, the job we were certain was ours, the place we thought we'd live in all our lives. . . Surrender control to the supreme wisdom and authority of God and to the Divine in your soul. Step into the void with courage. Learn to say, I don't know. That's not blind faith. It's pure faith that will allow God and your spirit to lead you wherever your soul wants and needs to go.

Melody Beattie, "Finding Your Way Home"