Daycare Guilt or any kind of Mom-Guilt...read this.

The guilt a parent feels, though it probably doesn't have an expiration date, it might feel heavier or lighter some days.  Something I struggle with a lot lately is daycare guilt.  It's a thing, trust me.  Sometimes (today) I feel like, I'm in a complete cloud of it and it's fogging up my ability to see things clearly.  All kinds of shit starts racing through my head...the main thought being, am I doing the right thing?  Should I be working full time and providing Landry with a stable future financially, but consequently be away from him 40 hours a week during the most influential times of his life?  Or should I give up my career, live strapped for cash, but be home with him 24/7?


Look, I hate money, okay...like hate it.  It means NOTHING to me, but unfortunately you need some to get by in the world.  And apparently, the more you have, the easier it is to do a lot of things that will benefit you in life, like go to college...education is huge to me, especially this day and age.  And I can't tell you how important it is to me that Landry (and future children of mine) get to experience college, if they want to.  It was one of the best experiences of my life, it helped shape and mold me, and I learned so much there, not just from the classes and professors, but true life lessons that are still important in the present time.  So, I don't want to look back and re-read this blog post and think, wow, it really sounds like I have chosen having money over spending time with Landry, because that just ain't it.


I don't work for myself...I work so that we can take Landry on vacations where we can create memories as a family that will last longer than a lifetime.  I work so that Landry's future is as stable as it can be given what we have.  I work for him, not for anything or anyone else.  So I can provide my very best for him.  I bet you reading this is thinking, "I get it, you don't have to explain why you have to work"...but for me, sometimes I need to talk (pray) about things, and/or write about things to make things clear in my vision again.


If I had more stability for his future financially with just one of us working in our home, I'd gladly give up my career to be a stay-at-home-mom.  Not because they have it easier, not because they don't really work, cuz that's bullshit, they do just as much if not more work in a span of 8 hours than I do coming into an office-type setting, but because they don't miss their children on a daily basis.  They don't have to say goodbye every morning.  They don't have to entrust someone else to give their best care to their children.  They don't have to worry about what germy kids will be playing with their kid every, single, day.  It's hard...and don't get me started on missing milestones, whew, I just can't mentally handle that right now.  But do you see where the guilt comes from? 


So, when I'm feeling this way...which is guilty, ashamed, anxious...I turn to the One that can rid me of these terrible feelings.  Whether it's quotes taken from scripture and rewritten on pretty backgrounds, floating around on Pinterest, or it's actually grabbing the bible and hunting down the scripture that I know will help you cope with the feelings I am experiencing.  I do both, except, I have a bible app on my phone that I use instead.  Oh and I cry, sometimes even weep, and I just let myself feel those things because God is close to the broken hearted. 


If you're ever feeling this way, maybe these will help you liked they help comfort me:


Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Isaiah 44:22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you
Psalms 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power, love, and self-control
Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.
Psalm 94:19 When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 3:5 I lay down and slept; and woke again, for the Lord sustained me.


That last one I hold dear to my heart for sure, because anytime I lie awake letting guilt, anxiety, fear, or worry overcome me, I remember that the Lord always wakes me feeling lighter.  He takes it all away and I can start the day completely free of the burdened I carried the day before.  So just stop wasting time, confess your sins, and cast your cares to God, there is nothing bigger than Him.  I am just so thankful for His unconditional, unfailing love.  

FET complete...surreal.

     Completely surreal. I have no other way of explaining how the world feels in this moment. Just hours ago, I had a living, thriving embryo placed ever so carefully into my uterus. Technically, that makes me what the TTC community lovingly calls, "PUPO"..."pregnant until proven otherwise."  I'm so grateful to even feel just that, for now, I'm pregnant. That thought moved me to tears after the FET was complete. I sat in my little room on the gurney and just burst into tears. I'm grateful, and I love this little embryo more than I could explain in words.

     The procedure itself went very smoothly. My embryo is a grade two, which is "great"...grade one is excellent, grade two is great, grade three is good, grade four is fair.  You always want to hear that your embryo is the BEST grade, but this is what God has given us, and we are so blessed and so thankful. 

     How I felt the following hours after the transfer can be described as exhausted and fragile. I felt like I shouldn't sneeze or I will ruin everything! Haha, that's obviously not true, but I think everyone probably feels like that after a procedure like this. I was told by my doctor to rest as if I was sick with the flu for as long as I could until I had to go back to work.  That gave me a full 16 hours of bed rest. Normally they ask patients to try to do 24 hours of bed rest and then take it easy for the next following three days. Since my job consists of me sitting at a desk all day, I'm fine to be at work right now. The only rules are no lifting anything over 10lbs, no hot tubs, swimming, heat pads,  no intercourse, and no vigorous exercises. I can handle that for two weeks!  I felt exhausted mostly because where I live right now is experiencing a heat wave! The heat index was 105F...ugh! And I never used to get headaches from the heat, but I guess since I'm getting older, that's one of the things I have acquired. I have had a headache since last night, and it's still lingering.  I have read that it's safe to take tylonel, especially right now that the embryo isn't living off my blood supply right now, but I just don't feel like I should take any kind of OTC drug unless its completely necessary.  So I'm just gonna deal with the headache and hope this awful heat wave breaks sooner than later!

     Here are some pictures from yesterday. 

One or Two?

     My doctor called me and explained to me the LATEST theory of natural killer cells and what it means to put in two embryos versus one embryo.  The latest theory that has evolved is that if you put two embryos in, the killer cells (though have been treated with intralipids) would take to it as MORE of a foreign body than if it were just one embryo.  If you put two in, your body could create more cells to attack the embryos, is basically what scientists think might happen.  Now, this is just a theory.  He said he wanted Cris and I to think about it and let him know what our decision is by the end of today.  He also said to us that if our heart was set on putting two in tomorrow, that he has no problem with going forward and putting two in.  If there was hard evidence versus just a theory than this would be a different story.  
     It didn't take us long to decide what our choice is.  Cris and I are having only one embryo put in tomorrow.  Both of us obviously want the best possible outcome.  We also never pictured ourselves having twins.  From the beginning of this journey I only ever saw myself of a mother of a little boy.  We already have his name picked out, we have for a long time.  Anyway, I felt that this phone call has God's hands all over it.  I was given the chance to change my mind, and change it I did!  I feel less anxiety about the idea of twins and if my body could handle that.  I feel hopeful and excited about tomorrow.  If the FET does not work for us this time, the doctor said we can choose to put two in next time.  But that probably wont be until sometime in 2014.  Let's pray this time works and I don't have to think about another FET anytime soon <3