Walk by Faith...Not by Sight.

     It's been a week since we put our little embryo in!  Emotionally, I straddle the line of nervousness and excitement.  One second I think, "I'm afraid to be sad again"...the next second I think, "don't let your past define your future, just because nothing worked before doesn't mean this isn't going to either."  It's a constant battle I have going on in my head.  I keep telling myself, "I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant"...in hopes that my body believes my brain. I also tell myself that there is nothing to fear, because God is with me.   Sometimes I forget that and my emotions creep up on me.  Once I remind myself that I should fear nothing, I feel calm and more at ease while I wait this out.  Physically, I really don't feel any different.  I think that is what is freaking me out the most.  I guess in my head I always thought I would know when I was pregnant before I had proof.  You always hear about women and their DPO (days past ovulation) symptoms.  And, well, I don't have any of them.  I don't have sore boobs, I don't have implantation bleeding, I don't have break outs, I don't have twinges.  So I don't know how to take that.  Anyone I tell that to says, "just relax, I didn't feel pregnant for weeks!".  So I still have hope.  If there is anything physical I feel, it's that my uterus (or the area I believe my uterus to be in) at times feels full.  And I honestly think that is due to the estrodial injection I'm on twice weekly.
     I'm choosing to walk by faith and not by sight.  I do not need to physically see or feel anything to be pregnant.  All I truly need to do is keep my trust in the Lord that no matter how the end of this turns out, that God has a plan for me.  That's all I need to know.  I pray that His plan involves us conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to full term, blessing me with a family of my own.  But I trust that no matter what, His plan is better than anything I can even dream of.  I think we all, as humans, need to be reminded of that every single day.  Stop worrying about things that are out of our control.  What a waste of time and energy.  Instead, trust God. <3

FET complete...surreal.

     Completely surreal. I have no other way of explaining how the world feels in this moment. Just hours ago, I had a living, thriving embryo placed ever so carefully into my uterus. Technically, that makes me what the TTC community lovingly calls, "PUPO"..."pregnant until proven otherwise."  I'm so grateful to even feel just that, for now, I'm pregnant. That thought moved me to tears after the FET was complete. I sat in my little room on the gurney and just burst into tears. I'm grateful, and I love this little embryo more than I could explain in words.

     The procedure itself went very smoothly. My embryo is a grade two, which is "great"...grade one is excellent, grade two is great, grade three is good, grade four is fair.  You always want to hear that your embryo is the BEST grade, but this is what God has given us, and we are so blessed and so thankful. 

     How I felt the following hours after the transfer can be described as exhausted and fragile. I felt like I shouldn't sneeze or I will ruin everything! Haha, that's obviously not true, but I think everyone probably feels like that after a procedure like this. I was told by my doctor to rest as if I was sick with the flu for as long as I could until I had to go back to work.  That gave me a full 16 hours of bed rest. Normally they ask patients to try to do 24 hours of bed rest and then take it easy for the next following three days. Since my job consists of me sitting at a desk all day, I'm fine to be at work right now. The only rules are no lifting anything over 10lbs, no hot tubs, swimming, heat pads,  no intercourse, and no vigorous exercises. I can handle that for two weeks!  I felt exhausted mostly because where I live right now is experiencing a heat wave! The heat index was 105F...ugh! And I never used to get headaches from the heat, but I guess since I'm getting older, that's one of the things I have acquired. I have had a headache since last night, and it's still lingering.  I have read that it's safe to take tylonel, especially right now that the embryo isn't living off my blood supply right now, but I just don't feel like I should take any kind of OTC drug unless its completely necessary.  So I'm just gonna deal with the headache and hope this awful heat wave breaks sooner than later!

     Here are some pictures from yesterday. 

One or Two?

     My doctor called me and explained to me the LATEST theory of natural killer cells and what it means to put in two embryos versus one embryo.  The latest theory that has evolved is that if you put two embryos in, the killer cells (though have been treated with intralipids) would take to it as MORE of a foreign body than if it were just one embryo.  If you put two in, your body could create more cells to attack the embryos, is basically what scientists think might happen.  Now, this is just a theory.  He said he wanted Cris and I to think about it and let him know what our decision is by the end of today.  He also said to us that if our heart was set on putting two in tomorrow, that he has no problem with going forward and putting two in.  If there was hard evidence versus just a theory than this would be a different story.  
     It didn't take us long to decide what our choice is.  Cris and I are having only one embryo put in tomorrow.  Both of us obviously want the best possible outcome.  We also never pictured ourselves having twins.  From the beginning of this journey I only ever saw myself of a mother of a little boy.  We already have his name picked out, we have for a long time.  Anyway, I felt that this phone call has God's hands all over it.  I was given the chance to change my mind, and change it I did!  I feel less anxiety about the idea of twins and if my body could handle that.  I feel hopeful and excited about tomorrow.  If the FET does not work for us this time, the doctor said we can choose to put two in next time.  But that probably wont be until sometime in 2014.  Let's pray this time works and I don't have to think about another FET anytime soon <3

Last Appointment Before FET

     I was seen by my doctor on Saturday, the last time before my Frozen Embryo Transfer. Everything looks good! I still have the cyst on my right side, but it's not doing anything, so there is no concern for it at this time. My lining looks great and the doctor is pleased with how everything has come along. 

     I have voiced concern for the amount of weight I have gained since starting this cycle. I have put on 10lbs since starting my medications. Apparently dexamethasone is known to cause rapid weight gain.  I guess in my case, it's a good thing, as I have been told that a few pounds could help in getting pregnant.  I just figure and hope that it's God's way of preparing my body to carry a baby(ies). It's just so weird to not be able to button your pants! I never in my life had weight issues or watched what I ate, but since stepping on the scale, I got a tiny taste of what that is like. I still eat like I normally do, but now I'm actually attentive to the fact that I'm eating "chips" or "cookies". And I find myself choosing fruit or veggies over processed and prepackaged snacks. 

     Anyway...I'm just so excited that our FET is just a few days away now. I'm feeling very loved, very blessed, and very supported by my friends and family. If you are reading this, then I thank you, because that means you believe in me and support me. My husband and I are blessed to have you as a crucial part in our journey. 

Intralipids...what are they?

My doctor has prescribed me to have a treatment of intralipids done before my FET (again if I get pregnant I will continue this treatment up to 20 weeks of pregnancy).  Intralipids are delivered intravenously (through an IV), usually somewhere in your arm. It is said that intralipids help to suppress the activity of NK cells in the uterus, thus preventing rejection of the embryo(s).   My treatment took about 3 hours for it be absorbed into my body.  I'm assuming that the usual treatment is that you go to an infusions center and have the IV placed and then you stay there for the treatment, they take the IV out and you go home.  However, I was able to go to the infusions center, have my IV placed, and then go home.  I later had my little sister come over to take my IV out.  The process is quick and doesn't involve too much pain (of course you are being pricked with a needle).  In my case, my nurse went right through my vein the first time and she had to go in again somewhere else.  Other than that minor mishap, the process was easy peesy!  It was also great that I was able to be in the comfort of my own home while waiting for this ball-o-lipids to get in me!

Thank You

     It's just crazy how far I've come in my life in terms of figuring out who I am and how I want to live my life.  All thanks to God...honestly, I'm nothing without Him, my life would be nothing without Him.  I think back to the things I used to pray for, the times in my life that I would pray, and the people in my life I would pray for.  My spiritual growth continues to amaze me.  I once was this naive girl, floating through life, praying to be blessed with what I thought I deserved.  Embarrassed to admit, I'd pray as my last resort sometimes, begging God for something to happen or not to happen.  Have you been there too?   The comforting thing about this is knowing I'm human, I'm a sinner, I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes, but God loves me unconditionally.  I am his child. 
     I have learned so much, especially recently, through this journey of trying to conceive a baby.  Without having to face this struggle in life, I would not have come to know the Lord in the way in which I do now.  Our relationship we have built would not be this strong, my faith would not have grown.  I did not know the meaning of thankfulness until I realized how thankful I am for having being called to God in this way.  I have no words to even begin to describe how blessed I am.  My eyes have been opened, my heart has been softened.  I am aware of so much more now than I can even wrap my mind around,  yet still have so much to learn.  It's so beautiful that if I think about it long and hard enough, I am moved to tears of joy and awe of just how much God loves me. 
     My prayers were selfish and shallow.  My life was about only me.  Now, with the love of Jesus Christ in my heart, my world has been transformed.  I take a moment everyday to give thanks to God, but it doesn't seem like it's enough.  I praise God every time I can, in every situation, but it doesn't seem like that's enough either.  The love I feel from God is just too great to ever feel like I am deserving of it.  Simply put, God is LOVE.
     My prayers now are that of thanks and also I pray that everyone can feel His love.  I pray that everyone can feel the peace in their heart that comes from knowing the Holy Spirit.  I want people to feel the gratitude that I do, I want everyone to see how blessed they are, to know happiness in it's truest form.  I want everyone to see how beautiful life is and share God's love with each other, to treat each other with respect and care in everything they do.  I just want everyone to know Him and give their life to Him. 

     Pray with me: 

Lord I come before You, desiring to provide thanks.  Father, I have so much to be thankful for, things unseen and seen, that You have done in my life. Lord, mostly I am thankful for the relationship that I have with You. You initiated this relationship, by what Your Son endeavored to accomplish,

paying the price for my sin, redeeming and reconciling me. You know the times I have been ungrateful, held ill thoughts toward You and my fellow humans. You know the times I complain and grumble about life and its circumstances, about suffering, going through what seem endless trials and tribulations. Yet God You are and always will be there with me, even when it seems like I am forever in the wilderness, running further and further from You, You, my God are there guiding me back to Your loving arms.  I am thankful Lord for everything that You allow to cross my path. Thankful for the decisions that You allow me to make and the lessons that come from these decisions.

I’m thankful, Lord, that I do not have to live under condemnation anymore, that You have truly set me free, that I am a new creation that I need not live under the law anymore. Thankful Lord that You have given me joy unspeakable. Thankful Lord that You are longsuffering, allowing me to mature in You! Lord, words do not express my thankfulness. For Your mighty power is at work in me, transforming me, renewing my mind. To You Lord belong thanks eternal.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Little Update...

I had my first appointment of my FET cycle on Friday.  The doctor saw a cyst on my right ovary but is not concerned by it.  After the results from my blood work came back, they were able to determine that the cyst is not producing estrogen.  That means that we're a go for the FET as scheduled!  Yay!