Anxiety is something I've dealt with most of my adult life. Sometimes I wonder if I experienced it as a child and just didn't recognize it until I was older. The way I explain my anxiety is that I feel it creep over me like a dark cloud. It feels like happiness and calmness is no longer a natural feeling, I feel like they slip away from my grasp. And I can feel the anxiety building up slowly, stronger and stronger until I either cry (which usually happens first) or I have a full blown panic attack. I haven't had an attack in a very long time (4 or 5 years ago).
Back ground of my anxiety and where it really stems from:
When I was in college I had come home for the weekend because my dog passed away. I was so sad, he was a family member, but we are the type of family that NEEDS a dog in the home, it doesn't feel like a home without a 4-Legged Family Member. So I wanted to be there when my family said good bye to our beloved Sparkey and be there when we welcomed a new dog into the family. While I was home, my best friend that grew up with me had a horrible, tragic freak accident and died. The fact that I was home when this happened was a blessing. I can't imagine what it would have been like to get news like that being away at college and having to make a 2 1/2 hour drive home. My world was rocked, and twelve years later, hear I am, and I have not been the same since. Fast forward two years after the death of my friend, I met someone. I fell in love. HARD. I was definitely head over heels for this guy and though were not together very long, I was hoping he was the one that I'd spend the rest of my life with. We dated for 8 or 9 months when our relationship came to a very abrupt end (on his part). It was just one day, over. He stopped returning my calls/texts. Retrospect, it's because I found out that he was with another girl practically the entire time that we were together. And in fact, his new girlfriend picked up his phone once and told me to stop calling, that her boyfriend thought of me as a joke and that I was a lost little puppy. Even typing those words out still hurt my feelings...girls can be awful and mean creatures. Okay, so can you imagine my state of mind? I was devastated. Beyond devastated. I would wake up in the morning and cry while I showered, cried while I tried to apply make up, cried while I tried to chew some cheerios. I'd cry on my way into work and then I'd reapply my make up and put on a fake smile for eight excruciating hours. The minute I'd get in my car to go home I'd break, and start crying again, harder, hot tears burning my cheeks. When I'd get home, I would run past my parents or siblings so I wouldn't have to face them and go into my bedroom, close the door, and cry until I fell asleep. I felt broken and I didn't think the pieces of my heart would ever find their way back together again. Mom's know when something is wrong. Mom's know okay? So she busted in my room and sat down on my bed and begged me to tell her what I was going through. And when I told her she said she wanted me to see a counselor/psycholgist. I was apprehensive, I thought that made me seem "crazy", but at this point, I knew I wasn't okay.
I met with a psychiatrist, and within an hour of us talking about my past he suggested that I might be dealing with separation anxiety from my best friends death and that the feelings I experienced with his death were reoccurring with the break up I had just gone through. I was put on a low dose of Lexapro. I felt "better" within a few weeks and my life started to not feel so empty anymore. I started to feel more like myself. I found myself reaching out to friends again and going out with them. I was more social at work and didn't find it exhausting to strike up conversations with people. Overall, being happy didn't feel so far away, I was smiling, genuinely smiling again. I was eventually able to wean off of any medication and I've been medication free for the past four years.
A couple of months had gone by and I met Cris, my husband. Cris and I met at my place of employment, by the fax machine actually. I still laugh over how we met. It wasn't romantic or anything, it was just God's timing and I love that. Cris's outlook on life, energy, sense of humor, and personality was magnetic. He just pulled me in and we fell in love. Almost three years later, we were married and spent everyday since then supporting each other, even through the hardest of times.
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Okay so back to today, present time. Cris was laid off from his job at the end of January this year and has spent the last few weeks with Landry at home. "Daddy day-care" if you will. And it's been amazing. I would come home from lunch, and there, both my boys would greet me with smiles, hugs, and kisses. Cris was recently just hired at a new company, a great company, with a very good salary. We have been blessed and our prayers have been answered. But this meant that Landry was going to go back to daycare. I was sad, sad for Landry, sad for Cris that he didn't get to spend his days with Landry anymore, and sad for me, because I loved seeing Landry on my lunch break and he's been healthy the entire time he's been home. I woke up yesterday morning feeling "the cloud" creep in. This was our last full day with Landry before Cris started his job today. Well, I woke up not wanting to go to church, in fact, I just wanted to stay home and cry, and as loser-ish as that sounds, that is what I felt like doing. I was called by God to go to church to hear the message and so I did, and it was meant for me to hear.
The message was all about letting go of fears and anxieties and giving them to God. The pastor was preaching to me. I was engulfed by God's love for me and I left church feeling so free, so comforted by His peace, and over all, confident in the Lord that my problems, worries, fears, and anxieties are not bigger than Him, and that God is in control of it all. I'm so thankful for His love for me and so thankful for the peace He lays upon our hearts when we need it most.
If this blog post is anything, please let it me a reminder that no matter what we are facing today, tomorrow, or in the future, that God is with us, right there with us going through it and that He will never leave our side. He will provide whatever it is that we need to make it through.
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To deal with my anxiety on a real level, in the moment this is what I do step by step.
1. Recognize what I'm feeling and voice it out loud to either yourself or a "safe" person that will listen and not judge. Example) I'm feeling scared and sad that Landry going back to daycare might make him sad or scared because he is away from Mommy and Daddy.
2. Rationalize what is the absolute WORST case scenario: Example) Will Landry die if he's scared or sad? Absolutely not.
3. Think about what good will come out of the situation: Example) Landry will actively be learning through out the day, making friends, becoming more social and independent.
4. Pray. Pray. Pray. I do not think that there is anything more calming then when I am in prayer. I am actively giving my worries and anxieties over to God and trusting in Him that he will carry us through. Example) God, I thank you for always being with Landry every second of his life. I pray that you keep him healthy, safe, and in good and trusted hands of the daycare staff. I pray that your provide Cris and I with peace that only You can.
I hope you found this helpful. This is just what I do to cope in a healthy way. Everyone of us is different I hope that you have a healthy coping mechanism for when anxiety creeps in.
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