Easter wasn't always this special to me. Don't get me wrong, as a kid, I LOVED it. I loved dying and finding Easter eggs hidden throughout the yard, and getting a basket full of goodies, and I loved the food we all ate for Easter dinner (usually ham, YUM!). But as of recently, two years ago actually, is when I accepted God into my life and became a "reborn Christian" and this time of year will always be incredibly special for me. I'm about to get real in this blog post, about myself, and who I was before this phenomenal day. And being honest with you, I don't really like to talk about who I was before I knew Christ because I didn't really like myself then. However, to fully understand the goodness of God and how He works miracles, it's good to start from the beginning.
Two years ago, I was in a bad place (mentally and emotionally). I was in year three of trying to have a baby. My first IVF had JUST failed, like just a few weeks prior to this moment. I was fragile, discouraged, heartbroken, depressed, scared, anxious, and incredibly jealous of other couples that could conceive so easily. So when my sister-in-law who was married just six months earlier told her family on Easter that she was pregnant, I was selfishly devastated. I came home from spending all day with my family, plopped down on the couch, where my husband proceeded to tell me that his sister let the family know that she's pregnant. She knew I was struggling with conceiving so thought it would be better not to "surprise" me with the news and let Cris tell me privately. Which in retrospect, was so kind and thoughtful of her. However, in the moment of finding out, I only thought of myself and my situation. Simultaneously, on the television, and basketball player broke his leg so severely that his bone popped out of his flesh. It made my stomach turn (*side note, I broke my arm very severely in the 10th grade and my bone came through the skin as well and ever since then I can NOT watch anything like that). So I ran up to my bedroom and threw myself on my bed and sobbed. I wept. Uncontrollably.
In that moment I never felt so abandoned by God before. I couldn't understand how he could bless everyone around me with a child and not me. I felt unworthy, unloved. It was then I truly thought about what would make me happy if I wasn't going to have kids, what would it take for me to be to okay with life. So I prayed through my tears, "God, if you won't bless me with a child, then please allow to me to be genuinely happy when other people tell me they are pregnant. I can't fake it anymore and live with this hate in my heart." After that prayer, I felt the tears starting to slow down and I felt like I could breathe easier, that the elephant sitting on my chest disappeared. But overall, I felt drained and so I went to bed that night not knowing what the future held and trying to be okay with that.
The next morning, on my way into work, I was driving near the airport and the sun spilled into my window so intensely that it instantly warmed my bones. In that moment, on that road, is when I felt God. My heart didn't feel like it weighed 500lbs anymore. I felt lighter, less depressed, less scared about my future. I felt that I had to text my SIL and congratulate her, genuinely. And so my hand moved across my phone keyboard without me even thinking about what I was going to say. I just typed out, "Congratulations, I'm happy for you and I'm really excited about becoming an aunt again." Little did I know how close her and I would become in the following months.
Four months later, I was pregnant.
I can tell you, that it is not an easy journey becoming a reborn Christian. Once I felt God that day, I became almost obsessive about learning more about His word, and what it's truly like to follow after Jesus. I submerged myself in daily devotionals and reading the bible. I prayed prayers of thanks, for things I never once said thank you for before. I found myself praying for EVERYONE (I'm not kidding, I would drive pass someone on the street and pray for them as I drove by). It's like once I became aware of how close God is to us, I felt like I needed to pray every minute of everyday because obviously prayer works. Since then I've become a little more well-versed in the relationship I have with God and I think we have an understanding that as long as I have a thankful heart and I can see my blessings, help others in my community, and share His love with others, that I'm on the right path. I don't need to drown myself in the bible to the point that it's overwhelming. Learning more about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit is supposed to be enlightening, enjoyable, and fun, not overwhelming. So I take things one day at a time. I attend church every Sunday, not because it's the right thing to do, but because I want to. Because church makes me feel closer to the unconditional love that is God, and it's probably the most amazing feeling there is, to feel close to Him. I feel fulfilled by His love.
I literally thank God every day for my life now, for blessing me with my family, my friends, my home, my pets, my job/boss/coworkers, food, etc. And I see things so clearly now. A friend once told me, "If anything tragic ever happened to my husband and kids I would question my faith in God." It broke my heart but my response was, "If anything tragic ever happened to my husband and son, I would CLING to God." And my response surprised her and she said that my outlook is so positive. And yes, I do think I have a positive attitude, but I have a positive attitude because I have faith in God.
Each person you know, everyone around you, everyone on your facebook feed, EVERYONE has a history, a story of where they are came from and what their journey is. Each person has a choice to either believe or not believe. I pray that everyone I know and love chooses to believe. We are given free will so that our choice is our responsibility and that we can take pride in choosing to be believers. We can take responsibility in our lifestyles with our choices. We can have hope in the midst of tragedy. We can attribute that everything in our life is for a divine reason and that one day we will be with our Lord and Savior...because He Is Risen. Thanks be to God.
Happy Easter everyone. Thank you for taking the time out to read about my personal testimony. I love you all so much, you all are a part of my life, no matter how big or small a part you play. I appreciate your kindness and support.
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