7 days and counting...

With a week to go to find out if this was our lucky cycle, I find myself looking back in each cycle passed. Twenty-three cycles to be exact. That's a bit hard to believe. Has it really been TWO YEARS of us trying to have a baby?? Wow. This has been quite the ride of ups and downs. Mostly downs if I'm being honest. However, it's taught me so much about myself, my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with God. So, in reality I have come full circle with this, realizing that I'm becoming the person I was meant to be. I want to be a mother more than anything I've ever wanted before. I know that the child I bring into this world will not be perfect, and I won't be a perfect mother...but I also know that my child will learn the importance of having a relationship with God, learn to respect others, especially their elders, and that helping people in the best way they know how is the secret to true happiness. If by chance I am pregnant this cycle, it will be the best Christmas of my life. If by chance that I am not, I will keep the hope in my heart that 2013 is the year that my most desired dream comes true.

The hardships in life...

My best friend had a miscarriage. It's surreal to know one day she had a precious angel in her body, growing and thriving. And then the next moment, it's gone. I feel so heavy hearted for her. As I do for all the women who suffer a miscarriage. I've known quite a few people who have had to go thru this. Each one of them, a person of strength in my eyes. I'm not sure why things like this happen, but with faith, I know that it happens for a reason well beyond our knowledge, that there is a reason for everything. Prayers for my best friend who now has an angel baby watching over her.

Why can't I just learn to be patient?

Hours after I published my last blog post...

Ovulation Frustration

Cris and I decided that December 2012 would be our last month of giving it everything we got to conceive naturally. That means baby dancing every other day...drinking red raspberry tea, taking our Fertiaid vitamins 3x a day, and testing with OPKs during my ovulation window. So I noticed that last month I did not get a positive OPK, but I thought that was just because I had only tested during the morning hours. I'm on cycle day 14 so I should have received my positive yesterday or last night and I didn't. I'm not freaking out just yet, as I have a regular 29 day cycle. But what the hell...seriously? I have this deep underlying gut feeling that being on the 50mgs of clomid in Aug and Sept did more harm than good. I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience if not getting positive OPKs after stopping fertility medications? This is so frustrating!!! I know, I know...I'm preaching to the choir.

New Doctor = Restored Hope

We found a new doctor. This doctor is out of state so it will be quite the ride for us to see him, but hopefully, very worth it. I think what is most exciting about this doctor is that we got in on a cancellation. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to see him until 2013. Our appointment is December 18th, 2012. I'm really looking forward to this consultation. Even though it sort of feels like we are starting over, Cris and I both have a good feeling about this doctor. A good feeling is hard to come by in this journey...we are going to roll with it!

Fertilaid Discount Code

You can receive 10% off your total purchase at www.fertilaid.com by entering the word FACEBOOK in the discount/promo code field. Enjoy!

Nothing wrong with that...

I notice that every (failed) month that passes I literally say, "I can't wait for (insert current month) to be over." This month, November, has been no exception. However, I realized that even though that sounds really pessimistic, that it is my own way of staying hopeful. Once the month is over I have a fresh start to a new cycle and can begin the process again. So with that said, December may bring new things and for that I'm thankful.

True Love

After the awful day I had, I walked in the door and my husband surprised me with flowers, dinner, and a clean house. I just started crying because of how I was blown away by his thoughtfulness. Never in my life did I ever dream my husband and I would have to face so many struggles with trying to conceive, but this journey has brought us closer together. We love each other more now than the day we got married. And that makes me happy. We built TRUE love.

Feeling Alone In TTC

Its a dark day today. Cycle Day #1, on to our 23rd month of TTC. Why does this have to be so hard? Every time I see blood I think, "of course I'm not pregnant again, why would I be? It has been the same old story for 22 long horribly painful months." I look around and see all these people having true genuine smiles on their faces and I envy their authentic happiness because I feel like I'm dying inside. Silently I wipe away the tears as I sit in my cubicle hoping no one notices the emotionally unstable lost little girl. I sit here feeling so sad for myself, internalizing the pain into physical stress that body is crying out for a vacation from life. Then the guilt settles in and you hear the dark side whisper, "people have been trying longer than you, some people suffer miscarriage after miscarriage, some people had failed IVFs done," and it just makes me feel even worse for feeling bad for myself. It is an exhausting circle of sadness and pain.

Taking a Break

We're done. At least until 2013...I need a break, Cris needs a break. It's time. You struggle with giving up even temporarily because it's something you want so badly but you know in your heart that it's time to move on. I'm glad that we are both on the same page and we can look ahead with a new outlook. These past 19 months of TTC are gone and that chapter of our lives has ended. I'm not sure what God has planned for me, but I trust in Him that it's the best plan for me.

Failed Fertility Treatment

By far I believe this journey has humbled me. Sometimes I feel very depressed while at other moments I feel glimmers of hope. Self pity is an evil feeling that creeps it way in but I do the best I can to keep that feeling at bay. I don't understand why it's so easy for some people to get pregnant. I don't understand a lot of things. At this point all I can do is keep looking forward.

Blog vs. Vlog

I haven't blogged in forever. Reason being that I find vlogging more convenient. I just think that when I watch my videos I can really put myself back in that time and really remember everything I was feeling. Maybe I will get the urge to write again soon.

Busy Bee

I haven't felt inspired enough to cut into my busy schedule to blog lately. I will have a lot to update in the next few weeks!

Quote of the Day

"I've learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition."- Martha Washington

'nuf said.

Hurry up and wait....

Still waiting on the script to get Cris's SA done again. I think out of this entire experience it's the waiting that irks me the most. Like seriously, why does it take so long??? They do know we have lives to live right?

Happy Easter

Nothing, I mean NOTHING makes me happier than a holiday spent with family. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter weekend. God Bless.

Slipping...

I can tell, can you? The positivity that I embodied came naturally to me just a few months ago. Now the word hopeful sounds foreign to me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle in trying to cope with the fact that's been over a year of trying and I haven't gotten pregnant. I know there are many women out there who have been trying for much longer than me. Yet still, "staying positive" gets harder with each month that passes me by. Honestly, I feel like that is what time is doing to me. I see everyone's life moving forward at such a rapid speed and I'm just watching life whiz on by, without me in its grasp.
Do not mistake my sadness and frustration for ungratefulness. I am entitled to feeling this way without negating the goodness in my life. I know that I am blessed. I certainly can be thankful for what I have and still feel sadness for what I do not. Anyone that tells me differently is ignorant and has never WANTED a child of their own the way someone who tries and fails has.
One word that has not escaped my vocabulary is faith. Perhaps the definition has changed a bit. I can't say at this point that I have faith that I will bear a child of my own. I can say with confidence that I have faith that God will never leave me to fight this battle alone.

HSG Procedure and Results

I survived!!! Haha, honestly I was terrified of the procedure because of the pain factor it entailed. However, it wasn't THAT bad. The worst part for me was when they injected the dye. But it truly only hurt for a few seconds. The results are immediate...and I'm all clear! I feel more confident in my body and my pain tolerance. I'm proud of me!

Getting Tested...

The time has come. It's now been a full year of trying to have a baby with no success. Let the infertility testing begin. Tomorrow I'm scheduled for blood work. Needles don't bother me too much...as long as I don't watch...I'm okay. After that, it's the dreaded HSG test which scares me! But I am willing to do what it takes to have a lil mini Cris running around. The thought of a mixture of Cris and I one day running around on this planet cracks me up and melts my heart <3

Will keep you posted as I face this difficult journey of my young life.

(in)fertility Consultation

I don't know know if you call it a fertility consult. or infertility consult because ultimately the consultation itself is to figure out if you are fertile or infertile.
Anyway, the consultation went exactly as expected. We discussed our medical history with the doctor and we figured out the plan on where to go from this point. The next step is blood work. I'll be getting that next week. After that Cris will have to a semen analysis done. If both of those are normal than I will have to have an HSG test done. And if that comes back normal then they will start me on Clomid. Clomid is a drug that induces ovulation and assists the egg in maturing. However, it also increases the possibility of twins/multiples. Gulp.
I can't care at this point if that would occur...as in any situation in life, if God brought you to it, God will get you through it.

Quote of the Day

"Every day, you should do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow" - Doug Firebaugh

I love this inspirational quote. You can use it as a reminder for small things...such as preparing your outfit the night before so you aren't late for work in the morning when you can't decide what to wear. Or this quote can serve as a pusher to encourage you to try your best today at any task that comes your way as it will pave way for an easier and brighter path.

Happy Birthday Baby Madison!

Today we welcome a new member of our family into the world!!! Madison Lynn is my new precious baby cousin and she is absolutely perfect! Congratulations to her strong mommy, Janel, her wonderful husband Scott, and her amazing BIG brother, Jake! I'm so happy for all of you and I can't wait to meet the newest member of our family!

Home Sweet Home

Mama Mickey is home from the hospital! Yay! She's tired and is resting, but she is at least in her own bed! I am going to cook my parents dinner tomorrow night, both mom and dad could use a home cooked meal. Dorothy was right, there's no place like home!

Is this a test?

My mom had a TIA (transient ischemic attack) aka a Mini Stroke on Friday evening. Scariest moment of my life. I'm sitting here wondering just how much more my family can take. I know we are a strong unit...the strongest family unit I know, but enough is enough. On top of the infertility issues I'm dealing with, the anxiety and fear of something horrible happening to my mom or anyone else in my family has me at my breaking point.
Prayer is my source of comfort, knowing He hears me, knowing I'm never alone with these issues makes it possible to get through the day. I know everything happens for a reason.
Just have to have faith that everything will work out for the best.

Quote of the Day

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept trying when there seemed to be no hope at all" - Dale Carnegie

This quote sums up how I'm feeling at the moment, don't have much else to say...

Quote of the Day

"Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy, but the worst habit you could possibly have." - Dale Carnegie

I can't tell you how many times I've had to remind myself of this before I opened my mouth to complain about something. I am aware of how blessed I am, and that in reality I have nothing to complain about. Some days it's harder than others not to feel sorry for yourself...especially when trying to get pregnant! Or any other frustrating situation you might be dealing with.
My focus is no longer on what I don't have, but what I do have. I have SO much to be thankful for and I'm blessed beyond belief. My family, my friends, and my health, are things that can't be replaced. Reflection on my life is my daily exercise...feels good!

Starting Fresh...again

With every month that passes without successfully conceiving, I get a sense of refreshment (after a major bout of depression, anger, and saddness) and I get to start new, try something different, and slowly but surely my motivation creeps back in. Since I have found a group of very supportive women via twitter and YouTube, I have gained so much knowledge and information. This was my first time hearing of the vitamin called Vitex and I went out and bought some last night. I have yet to try them, but I've done a lot of research on them so I feel completely comfortable taking them.
Anyhow...I'm feeling hopeful again and I'm looking forward to what the future holds.

F x 3

Life can take some very unpredicted twists and turns, and at the end of the day there are three things that are important: Family, Friends, and Faith.

This weekend was really rough for me. stressful to say the least and it has never been more apparent to me just how much I needed my family, my friends, and my faith. Nothing else seems to matter if I have those three things. Honestly, think about your WORST day...I'm willing to bet that the 3 F's helped you get through it.

The waiting game

Here we go again...the dreaded TWW (two week wait). The hardest part for me about trying to conceive is finding patience. Besides that, I'm driving myself crazy scrutinizing every little "sign" that could mean I'm pregnant. I'm not due for another cycle until the end of February, which seems so far away. Tick tock.
Cris has been so supportive and I swear, I love him more now than the day I married him. I love him more with every day that passes. He's my rock. My adorable, spontaneous, hilarious rock.
Today (two days after Valentines Day) he surprised me with a Pandora bracelet! I'm so excited to add charms as we continue this ridiculously hard yet unbelievably beautiful journey called life together.

Happy Valentines Day

Today is a day to celebrate love. Love of all forms...love for a spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, child, parent, grandparent, friend, family member, or pet! Grab someone you love and just tell them how blessed you are to have them in your life. Happy Valentines Day to all!

Quote of the Day

"Surround yourself with only people that lift you higher"- Oprah Winfrey

It's draining to go on to Facebook or Twitter and see so many people complain...and these are people that are very blessed but are too blind to realize it.

I always felt bad or even guilty for deleting people off of fB but sometimes I think the negativity of people's thought process brings me down and I'm not going to continue to allow those people to affect my daily mood.

I might not have the best life, the most money, the best clothes, cars, or house...and everyone faces daily difficulties...but instead of complaining about it and bring everyone down, I embrace every difficulty as an opportunity and try to learn from it. I do this because I choose to be happy. Ridding people that feed off of negativity has been refreshing.

Quote of the Day

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal...it is the courage to continue that counts.” - Winston Churchill

Everyday can be a struggle, whether you are a wounded veteran that lost your limbs and physically struggle to do daily activities that we so often take for granted, or you are struggling with a mental disorder such as anxiety or depression, or you are just emotionally drained from some difficult life situation. It's so easy to focus on your own problems and dwell on the negative aspects of your personal situation...we get wrapped up in what if's and why me's. However, if you take a step back and look at your life as a whole, I'm willing to bet that you are more blessed than many. I'm not perfect, my life is not perfect by any means, and I have my bad days too and I struggle to keep a positive attitude of every second of everyday. However, at least I try and continue to try and that is what I feel makes me a strong individual.

Quote of the Day

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them, that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." - Lao Tzu

It's a relieving feeling when you just accept whatever it is that is causing turmoil and just accept the outcome no matter which way the road will turn. The frustration, confusion, and energy spent on trying to fight whatever it is your fighting isn't worth the hassle. Sometimes I just count to three slowly and get a "restart" to how I am going to choose to feel about something. Is the thing that is making me upset/frustrated/angry in my control to change it? If no, then I have to change the way I think about it or else it's going to drain every last bit of energy from me. Things I want to be better at: Rolling with the punches...going with the flow...letting whatever happens, happen.

Happy Friday!

The weekend is fast approaching. I love weekends...I feel like its my time to let my hair down and relax. Tonight, Cris and I are meeting up with old friends for a drink while we watch the amazing Tim and Jules make magic with their musical talent. Surrounding myself with positive people, places, and things...it's what I do.

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty" - Winston Churchill

Quote of the Day

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice." - Wayne Dyer

You are responsible for how you feel. You can blame external things if you want to, but it won't change how things are. Even on my hardest days it's important to stay grounded and realize all there is to be grateful for. It's a challenge on some days to see the silver lining but if you look hard enough, you can find it.

What Does Not Kill You...makes you crazy

Went to the ObGyn today...went there to discuss the fact that it's been 10 months of trying and still haven't been able to get pregnant. Unless you have gone through this, you couldn't imagine the frustration and devastation of it all. There are days where I'm so strong and I have new found hope that it will be my turn soon...then there are days when I crumble and can't understand why it hasn't happened yet. I know, I know...good things take time. I've heard EVERYTHING...from try this, try that, don't try at all...and everyone always has some kind of advice to throw your way.
So...went to the doc today and we have a plan. If I'm not pregnant in
two more months, the testing will begin. I'm hoping this brings some type of satisfaction instead of just wondering if and when 24/7...and that if it doesn't happen by then, at least we will be on the road to some answers.
I am sad for those that are out there that also struggle with this...but I am glad that it is becoming more of a discussed topic so that we don't struggle alone. It's so common among women yet no one discusses it because of all the confusing emotions behind it. And there are days when I'm not up for talking about it at all...and then there are days like this when blogging calms my soul.

Blood is Thicker than Water

...and in my case, it's very thick. Literally. What I have is a blood disorder and it is called Factor V Lieden aka Factor 5. It is a hereditary hypercoagulability disorder...it means my chances of developing a blood clot is much higher than the average person. Studies show that about 5% of Caucasians in North America have Factor V. Within my family alone, my father, younger sister, uncle, aunt, and cousin have it.
The excessive clotting that can occur with this disorder is a concern for women that want children as it increases the risk for miscarriage and stillbirth. My doctors have created a plan for me for when I do get pregnant I will be self-administering daily shots of some type of low molecular weight heparin (LMWH), such as Lovenox or Fragmin in my abdomen. But I will learn more of that in detail when I actually to get pregnant.
Many women with Factor V have given birth to healthy babies and I find that to be comforting that it is possible. The more I learn about the disorder the better off I will be. Knowledge and awareness is my best defense.

My hopes for this year...

Since I quit school I have had a lot more free time on my hands and it's been wonderful and relaxing. Cris and I decided to start a chore list...at first I thought it was pretty lame and that we are old/mature enough to keep up with the house without a list. Turns out the list helps as a reminder of what needs to be done and when...but it also keeps things even between the two of us, so that we both are working towards a common goal. It's been really nice...and the house is looking better already!
This hasn't been the only positive step we are working on. We also are trying to save up money while paying off our debt. Debt sucks! I feel like its going to take forever before its all paid off, but every little bit helps. One major thing we cut our expenses on was our lunches...we used to go out for lunch every single week day. Right there that's saving us $65-$75 a week...that's $300 a month! Eventually I would like to get to the point where we are saving more than we are spending, but until we are debt-free we will do the best we can.
My only other resolution this year was to get healthier, in every sense of the word. Mentally and emotionally my goal is to rid my life of negative people, places, and things. And also to remember to not take life so seriously, God will only give me what He knows I can handle. Physically, my goal is to eat healthier. Not to lose weight, but to eat a balanced diet. Being in this body for 29 years I've adapted to the fact that I can eat anything I want and won't gain an ounce...but that doesn't mean I should eat a bag of potato chips for dinner. I've been pretty good with taking my vitamins but could always use a reminder about those things!
The biggest goal I have this year is to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. There is so much love inside of me to share with a child all my own. The thought of one day being someone's mommy brings a tear of complete joy to my eyes. I have faith that it will happen for us, hopefully soon, but patience is a virtue that is learned. One I'm obviously still learning. Taking it one day at a time!

My Life in a (pea)Nutshell

I wanted to start up this blog to record my life...I want to be able to look back and remind myself of where I've been and just how far I've come. And hopefully inspire anyone on the way to do the same

I have to start somewhere...and I guess I should start by telling you what a whirlwind of a life I've been leading for the past two years.

For one, I got married on the last day of the year in 2010. I am one of those lucky girls that married her best friend. That sounds ridiculously cliche but it is beyond true for me. My husband, Cris, is full of energy and always keeps me on my toes. I love that about him, he honestly makes me laugh every single day. Its a blessing to be married to someone that can do that, laughter keeps us young and happy.

So, after tied the knot I made the big mistake of telling everyone that we wanted to have babies right away. Because since then, I think more often than not, people are probably wondering why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. The answer is that I haven't got the slightest clue. And yes, we are still trying. And yes it's beyond frustrating. I can't lie, it stings a little each time I hear someone else is pregnant, but I'm slowly getting out of that phase now that almost everyone I know has either one or two kids...or is currently pregnant. Cris and I have kept our faith that one day we will be blessed with a little one of our own. So until that happens we will continue to pray for those that also struggle to have a baby and hope we are in their prayers as well.

So earlier in 2011 I had a bright idea that I wanted to go to cosmetology school...it wasn't what I thought it would be and I ended up withdrawing after eight LONG months. Although I enjoyed certain aspects of school I absolutely hated how much time it took away from my life. I work full time, so when I would get home from my job I would have one hour to eat, change, and get the dogs fed. I never missed home so much in my life. I spoke to a lot of stylists about my path and they gave me a lot of great advice. Needless to say I quit school and truly have never been happier. I feel so focused on where I want my life to head now and I feel like I am seeing clearly for the first time in a long time. I'm so grateful for my new found time.